Advice for the new graduates.

Yesterday, at lunch with my coworkers, the talk turned to graduation. And commencement speakers.

While I think that college commencement speakers have a chance of leaving an impression, I think we can all agree that high school graduation speakers are, for the most part, a giant waste of time and oxygen. I can say this because I was 1 of the speakers at my high school graduation. I gave what is probably 1 of the worst speeches ever, and I'd like to personally apologize to every human crammed inside that sweltering school gym.

Also, 18-year-olds don't listen to anything.

But if you could go back and give your 18-year-old self advice, what would you say?

My coworkers were hilarious. A flood of words rushed out over our table:

• Don't do drugs!
• Don't have sex with that guy!
• Don't take out all those student loans!
• Don't get married!
• Don't date him, him, or him!

Lots of "don'ts." And we all agreed that our 18-year-old selves wouldn't have paid any attention. But there was also the unspoken understanding that all of those horrible mistakes got us where we are today, and were somehow necessary. Horrible, yet necessary - much like vaccinations, or family vacations.

To my 18-year-old self, I'd probably just say this:

Everything is going to be fine. Wear sunscreen.

Because I was wound a bit tightly, and am just now learning how to let the fuck go. Also, sun damage is no joke.

So, happy graduation season. And if you're in Iowa, enjoy eating ham buns at a party inside a cleaned-out garage. My husband makes fun of ham buns, acting like they're just ham sandwiches. But we know the difference.

Is your summer soundtrack ready?

NPR posed an important query - really, a question for the ages: What's your go-to driving song, the tune that's perfect for rolled-down windows and wind-blown hair?

I poured over the comments because, really? I'm always on the lookout for new tunes - or tunes I'd forgotten. Some of bands I'd never heard of just made me feel hopelessly square and unhip (The Japandroids? Who?). Other bands, I thought the commenters must be insane (Pink Floyd? Really? Is it legal to play that music outside of your parents' basement?).

Perhaps my window for new things is rather narrow.

When I got my first car with a cassette player in the summer of '96, I made a mix tape within about 2 hours of getting my ride home. That tape has since been lost to time - or my basement. I remember that it had "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley on it. And the live version of "So Lonely" by The Police. Other than that? Hmm.

If required to make a windows-down mix tape now, here's what I would concoct:

• Twenty Five Miles - Edwin Starr - because any song with a mileage count is so appropriate, and Edwin kicks ass
• Baker Street (Edit) - Gerry Rafferty - because it makes me think of riding to the pool in my mom's '73 Buick Regal
• Up Against The Wall, Red Neck (Live In Luckenbach, TX/1973) - Jerry Jeff Walker - because "his wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Lynn"
• Somebody Told Me - The Killers - because if ever there was a song to cause a speeding ticket, this is it
• Mendocino County Line - Willie Nelson - because Willie probably doesn't even own a car with air conditioning
• Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks - because there's no better sing-along, ever
• Long Road To Ruin - Foo Fighters - because it's the Foo, dammit
• Roll With The Changes - REO Speedwagon - because they play this song at the Indy 500, so surely it's good enough for my Honda Accord
• Woodstock - Alice Smith - because being happy and singing while driving is good for everyone
• Fantasy - Earth, Wind and Fire - because funk
• Jungleland (Live at Hammersmith Odeon) - Springsteen - because it's the best saxophone solo ever in the history of ever and it references Exxon and drinking warm beer on the hood of a Dodge
• Seven Bridges Road - The Eagles - because you sound even better in the car than you do in the shower

It's a shame that K-tel no longer makes compilations, because I would obviously be their top programmer.

What songs would be on your windows-down mix tape? What am I missing?

My last day as a 38-year-old lady.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 39.

With so many of my friends freaking out about turning 40, 39 seems like a non-event. For that matter, turning 40 seems like none of my concern - kind of like circumcision. I know some people get really worked up about it, but it's not really my issue.

I guess that means that I like getting older. I'm happier.

Actually, I was way more Zen before I found a white eyebrow today, and before I spent 2 hours talking about marketing with a funeral director.

But still. I am happy.

I'm happy, and I'm thankful for another year. I'm glad I'm not dead yet. Too much to do.

Here's what I've learned - in no particular order:

• Marrying a computer nerd means you'll never have to set up a router again. Totally worth it.
• Sunscreen works. Use it religiously. You'll thank me at your 20-year reunion.
• Having a bad dog isn't necessarily a reflection on you as a person. Some dogs - like some people - are just a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket. Having 1 of those dogs - or people - in your family doesn't mean you're a bad person.
• Order dessert.
• Get your thyroid tested.
• Living in an old house is a great way to hide your housekeeping skills or lack thereof. That weird smell? Old house. That crooked wall? Totally made you overlook the giant dust bunny, right?
• If you feel like going to bed early, go to bed early. It feels decadent, and it's free.
• A kind, loving partner is worth the wait. You'll be glad you didn't settle. 
• Being the favorite aunt is super-cool, but sometimes, not being the mom is really hard.
• People say the wrong thing. Ninety percent of the time, they didn't mean it. Let it go. Or at least try.
• Expensive bras are worth it, especially if you're a lady of a certain ... biological wealth.
• Worrying is, sadly, not an Olympic sport. Put your imagination to better use. Like blogging!
• If it makes you feel bad, don't eat it. (Evidently, this doesn't apply to dogs and poo. They still eat it.)
• It doesn't matter how old you are - you always need your parents.
• French onion dip on a BLT is pretty much the best thing ever.
• No one knows what they're doing. We're all faking it, to varying degrees of success.
• Because I hate cleaning my car, paying to have it detailed is worth every penny. Sometimes, it's OK to throw money at a problem to make it go away.
• Don't badmouth your friend's ex because she might get back with him and then you'll feel dumb and she won't forget what you said. Unless he's a total tool, then eventually, she'll tell you how right you were.
• Everybody loves Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler." And if they say they don't, they're lying.

What have you learned so far?

--

Wanna celebrate my birthday? Like noodleroux on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. Yes, I'm trying new things, even at my advanced age. I hope I don't break a hip.

In which I run around my house nekkid, licking all the stuff.

My Guy and I have been blessed to host various and sundry family members over the last 2 weeks.

I genuinely like these people. They are good people.

I've been cooking. And cleaning. And changing sheets. And washing towels.

The good news out of all of this is that holy banana sandwich, I have found my life calling. Clearly, I was put on this Earth to be a spokesmodel for Bar Keepers Friend - even if the product's lack of apostrophe makes me cry. This stuff is freakin' magic!

Let's say you're like me, and you live in an old house. And you've scrubbed and scrubbed your home's original tub, and it's fine. But once you introduce Bar Keepers Friend to your tub? Your tub will shine like new! Years of gunk that you didn't even know was there will rinse right down the drain ... along with a few layers of skin from your hands because you forgot to wear gloves. But it's so, so worth it.

My only regret is that I didn't take before and after shots (of the tub, not my hands). But it's probably for the best, as the after shots would be so bright that readers would be blinded, and I'd get sued, and it would be a whole thing.

So, that's the good news.

The bad news about hosting a bunch of family across a few weeks is that you get a little crazy and just need a little alone time. OK, maybe a lot crazy, to the point that once you're alone, you want to run around your house nekkid, just because you can. And maybe make nekkid snow angels in the dirt on your floors. And maybe lick all your furniture to mark it as your own, because you're a girl and the idea of peeing to mark just seems like too much trouble, even in your somewhat irrational state.

The few friends I've mentioned this to have seemed more than a little alarmed. Is this whole licking thing not a normal impulse?

Granted, I grew up in a house where licking a cookie meant that it was yours. It was viewed as a somewhat offbeat tactic, but acceptable because the ownership of baked goods is a big deal. Perhaps my peers don't have this same point of reference?

You will probably be relieved to know that instead of spreading saliva, I've just been going to bed really, really early. And ignoring laundry. And admiring my visage in the reflection from my better-than-new tub.

You're welcome.

When Mom needs an intervention.

This week, my amazing mom has been kind enough to let me interview her and feature her on this here blog. If my blog were a movie, this post would be the DVD extra that propels you to buy the DVD. Why? We're dishing the dirt on Mother's Little Helper.

Me: I would be remiss if we didn't address your addiction. When did you get your first library card?

Mama C: Busted. I thought we would get thru this without talking about it. Sigh. Well, we lived on River Heights, across the Meredith Willson footbridge from the library, so it was 1st grade or earlier. (Ed. note: Mama C grew up in the town on which "The Music Man" was based. It's a famous foot bridge!) I'm sure I wasn't in kindergarten yet when my sisters would take me over there. I don't remember picture books, but I do remember they had shelves and shelves of biographies in the children's section ... they had orange covers ... Johnny Appleseed, Abe Lincoln, Molly Pitcher, all the presidents. I read them all. And we had the Nancy Drew and Cherry Ames, R.N. series at home.

Me: Did you set out to raise readers, or were you just stuck taking us to the library with you?

Mama C: It was purely selfish on my part -- you had no choice because I HAD to have books to read.

Me: I respect that. How many books do you average a week?

Mama C: Back in the day, I would check out 10-12 books a week. Now I usually have about 3 books going ... actual books plus what's on my Kindle.  And if I'm down to only one book, I need backups. Having to wear glasses cut back on my reading to some extent cuz I can't do my hair and wear glasses to read, but I can read and fold clean clothes.

Me: You used to read while you were doing your hair????

Mama C: Of course. Blow drying or curling my hair. Emptying the dishwasher. Cooking.

Me: Well, emptying the dishwasher, sure. But handling a hot curling iron while reading? I'm not sure whether I should award you a medal or call Dr. Drew. Mostly, I'm impressed. And I love you.

--

Happy Mothers' Day, everyone. May your addictions be good ones.

Interview with Mom: On creativity, friends, and profanity.

My mom is a saint for putting up with all these crazy interview questions. In the final installment of my Mothers' Day celebration / interrogation, Mom opens up about taking time for herself, the value of girlfriends, and being a lady.

Me: I've always thought of you as an artist. Do you identify yourself that way?

Mama C: Not as an artist. Creative, sure. I was never 'good enough' as an artist because I define that as painting or drawing or sculpture. I could master techniques but was never satisfied with how I used them. But I definitely have an urge to be creative, to do something with my hands.

Me: Do you feel like you've found your niche with quilting?

One of Mom's many gorgeous quilts, and a shih tzu who approves.

Mama C: I love the colors and feel of the fabrics. Walking into a quilt store, I'm just on overload. I love the satisfaction of putting a quilt top together, although I usually follow a pattern. And the fact that there is a useful quilt at the end of the process is gratifying. I do know that I get cranky and irritable [or just more so than usual] when I haven't quilted for awhile, so maybe this is my cozy niche.

Me: I get hung up on the "usefulness" aspect - perhaps it's a Midwestern thing. So many of the crafts and crap I see on Pinterest, I think, "Yeah, you could do that - but WHY?" With a quilt, it's a creative endeavor with a very solid end result. People need blankets or they get cold and die.

Mama C: Yup. I love the idea of somebody snuggling under a quilt I made on a cold evening. I've also found great joy and satisfaction in being a 'Quilt Fairy' and swooping in unexpectedly on people to give them a quilt.

Me: That is the best! Do you schedule time to quilt, or does it just kind of happen organically?

Mama C: The problem is that I forget to take ME time to quilt ... ya know, the bucket with the holes punched along the rim or the pyramid of champagne glasses that won't fill til the top one gets filled? So, I think the secret is to cross out an afternoon to quilt, just like you would for a meeting or appointment or whatever else was going on.

Me: This sounds like a good rule about just about anything. Women seem really skilled at putting ourselves last.

Mama C: Women tend to be nurturing and we take care of everybody within our vicinity, but we forget to take care of ourselves. Where is it written that we can't sit down to read a book or quilt or sit on the patio in the sun? I'm really bad at that, then I have a strict talk with myself and it gets better ... and then I forget.

Me: Do you think girlfriends help?

Mama C: YES. [I censored my response] To have a close friend move away or die just leaves a hole you don't know how to fill. Who can you talk with, bitch about things to? Who will tell you you're not crazy? Who can you just sit with in silence and enjoy the company? I read something somewhere [who knows] about people coming into your life when you need them, but not necessarily staying for long and I think that's true. But definitely yes, you do need girlfriends so you have somebody to laugh, cry, and hold dear. And reconnecting with past girlfriends is a real gift -- they know all your history.

Me: Was there an "eff yeah" in there originally?

Mama C: Um, perhaps ... but I am a lady of grace and dignity and I will not stoop to profanity. [snicker]

Me: Umm, OK. Sure.

--

She's pretty great, isn't she?

Interview with Mom: Yes, she really almost left us on the side of the road.

It's almost Mothers' Day! I'm celebrating all week with my favorite mom. That's my mom. And no, you can't have her.

Yesterday, Mom gave up the secret to marriage. And today? Well, a mom's gotta talk kids at some point.

Me: So, what was the hardest part of parenting, besides not leaving us on the side of the road even when you wanted to? What has been the best part?

Mama C: The hardest part is letting you two make your own mistakes because I knew you wouldn't listen to advice from a parental unit. A few times we did make you do things that we felt were important, but generally you had to learn to make good choices. Side of the road almost happened, though.

(Ed. note: Circa 1983, Mom traveled to the next town over - kids in tow - to go to Target. Poochie was 3, and I was 8. If memory serves, we were little monsters the entire trip. On the ride home, Mom had had it. She pulled her Buick Regal over to the side of the highway, in front of the Pioneer Feed plant. She used a chilly, dead-serious tone we'd never heard before. I began to calculate how long it would take me to walk home 20 miles. Although she didn't physically remove us from the car, whatever she said [the words are lost to time] really got the desired effect. No one said a word the rest of the ride home - nor the rest of the day. The episode lives on in family lore - obviously.)

Oh, the best parts ... unexpected/spontaneous hugs from you two whether as kids, teenagers or adults. They just melt my heart. Seeing the adults you and Poochie have grown to be -- loving, kind, caring people. Uh-huh ... need another Kleenex.

Me: We take after our parents.

What's your experience been like as a grandma?

Mama C: Everyone tells you it's awesome as they bore you with endless pictures of ugly babies. But Nora is so wonderful. And beautiful and smart and all those other things. I am overwhelmed with love, with the miracle of her. And tearful [hard to believe, huh?] when I think that my mother never knew what wonderful children I have, my dad didn't really 'know' you and Poochie. I think when you're the parent, you're so busy taking care of the baby/child you forget to see the wonder of it all, but as a grandparent you just sit back and watch.

--

I love "the wonder of it all," don't you?

Tomorrow, don't miss Mom's thoughts on creativity, friendship, and that crappy habit women have of taking care of everybody else first.