It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
No, not Arbor Day. The day the of my annual ladyexam!
Yep. Best day ever.
The good news is that my gyn is fast. Like a dueling cowboy, but with a speculum instead of a gun.
The
bad news is that said gyn clearly focuses on being calm and delivering
an “everything is going to be fine” message along with delivering
babies. This means that my “We worked with a reproductive endocrinologist and decided not to be science experiments and things
were totally messed up down there so I went back on the pill to
normalize some shit” message was met with … kind of a blank stare.
And
then? Then, she said that if I went off the pill, I’d probably get
pregnant.
Riiight. Because I haven’t already been on enough of an emotional rollercoaster. Thanks for that.
Without
going into too many details … the ol’ fertilization is never going to
happen for us. And while I’ve gotten the “relax and it will happen when you least expect it” message from lots of folks, I really didn’t expect
it from my own doctor at this point in the game. Because if she looked
at the records from the repro endo, she’d know there’s no “probably get
pregnant” going on in this here oven.
After
my appointment, I sat in my car in the parking lot and weighed the
release of crying versus the mascara damage. I opted for intact eye
makeup and a laissez-faire attitude.
I know my gyn doesn’t specialize in infertility. I know she wasn’t being malicious. She was probably making small talk. Tee hee!
I
just have to close the “maybe this will happen” chapter. It’s just too
brutal. I need to stop being so sensitive about, oh, stuff like my
ladydoctor telling me I could catch pregnancy, like a cold. I need to
focus on other ways to allocate my energies and - dare I say it - love.
I
know you can’t really tell your gyn that you don’t want to talk about
your ladybusiness, but to everyone else? Those acquaintances who figure
we’ve been married for almost 2 years, and the friends who can’t quite
wrap their heads around us saying no to invasive fertility treatments?
To these folks, I say, “GET OFFA MY LAWN!”
Wherein “lawn” means “ladywomb.”
It
occurred to me today that we should name our next dog Vern, after the
hippie minister who married us. Because Vern is an awesome name for a
dog, and it would be a compliment to our officiant. After all, it would
mean we’d named our child after him.
Maybe this random thought is a sign.
Being childless myself, I have decided it isn't the worse thing in the world, especially now that I have nieces and nephews in the 1 to 32 year range. Seeing some of the stuff my siblings have gone through, my husband and I have come to appreciate enjoying them and then being able to go home to our quiet house with our furry kids. Our furry kids may never grow up to take care of us in our old age, but then, there are no guarantees in this life. I like to focus on all the good things in my life and there are many.
ReplyDelete"I just have to close the 'maybe this will happen' chapter."
ReplyDeleteThank you for that sentence. There is a relationship to which I need to apply it. Childless myself, and now trying to gather the strength to excise my own heart, I appreciate the heartache and anguish that precede your statement.
As for your ladydoctor? She's kinda pissing me off. I assume your chart is chock-full of repro endo documentation - but she didn't see any of those notes? Give me a break.
Oh - I heard a woman call her dog 'Gert' many years ago and I've wanted a dog named Gert ever since.
ReplyDeleteMaybe my Gert and your Vern can have babies and we'll be doggie grandmas together.
um, well, not much I can say here....
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad that we still live in a society that thinks everyone has to have kids to be happy. It puts pressure where there shouldn't be. I'm really sorry you aren't going to have kids because I know it makes you sad.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the decision to have children is the decision to screw up another person's life. You just don't know how. I look at myself and friends; productive members of society. Parents did their jobs. And yet, we would all agree we are scarred from our youth. Hell, my mother is still driving me over the cliff.
Better to stick with dogs. : ))
I think you can live a very fulfilled life without kids and frankly, it's nobody's business but yours (and My Guy's who is really Your Guy) to decide what/how to proceed. Your LadyDoc needs to stick to talking about the weather and football.
ReplyDelete"It'll happen when you stop trying" is what women who have given birth say. I say, live a year in my body, then talk to me about what will and won't happen...
ReplyDelete