Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Roll with the changes.

I'm trying to get ready to go on vacation. It will be my first full week off since May 2007. And it has me seriously considering never coming back.

I am under pressure at Corporate Behemoth to stockpile a bunch of work so that the troops can have the pedal to the metal the entire time I'm gone. I am under pressure from a freelance client to just hurry up and finish writing a couple hundred pages before I go, and by the way, why wasn't it done earlier?

I am tired. And starting to seriously consider money. Like, what would happen if I didn't have any. Like, I didn't have any because I changed my work situation.

Once upon a time, I had a fledgling freelancing career and no other means of support. I worked retail at $7 an hour to cover necessities like dog kibble. I was terrified.

And then I got all this work and then I was all successful and shit and I bought a house and wow, Ma, lookit me now!

But I'm still holding on to that terror. I can't turn down freelance gigs. I have to stay on at Corporate Behemoth until someone figures out I don't know what I'm doing. To say no would be to leave money on the table ... and who knows when I'll have an opportunity to line the coffers again? Ramen noodles ain't cheap, people!

Sigh.

I did not grow up one paycheck from the street. I have been blessed with Plenty throughout my life. And yet my fear of Not Enough is making me miserable.

So, I'm busting my ass to earn the privilege of an entire week of no work. And hopefully, while I'm busting my ass hiking around Colorado, I'll have a moment of clarity and figure out how to move forward. Because this current approach is clearly flawed.

Until then, I'm just blasting a little REO Speedwagon.

2 comments:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Good luck with your soul searching. I think Colorado is a great place to do that!
I often consider "What Could I Live Without?" It's a grounding sort of question.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Cheer up, I just gave you a major award! (No, no money with it.)