Sunday, November 28, 2010

My mutant uterus, part 2.

So, I evidently made my future mother-in-law cry.

Starting married life out on the right foot? CHECK!

During day three of the Thanksgiving family celebration marathon, MIL, her sister and her niece asked me if I'd gotten cornered by Grandma. CHECK!

They laughed and apologized. MIL's sister said that Grandma runs her mouth about stuff that isn't any of her business, and how she has lost any filter she might have ever had. She talks about sex and has told her daughters about how she wanted kids but wanted nothing to do with the how-kids-come-to-be part. She's discussed this in detail. Evidently, you can say whatever you want when you're 90.

Which made us all laugh. And then started the kids conversation in earnest.

MIL said she never wanted anything but to have children and be a mother.

MIL's sister and MIL's niece both said that while they love their children more than anything, they never felt like their lives would be incomplete without children.

Which led me to say, "Well, I feel the same way. But if we don't have kids, you can give me a piece of your mind when you're 90."

MIL's sister and MIL's niece both laughed. And MIL turned her back to me.

Come to find out, she cried - yes, cried - to My Guy later about how she didn't understand why I didn't want children, and she knew he did, and how could this happen?


My Guy once thought he wanted kids. And he has since changed his mind somewhat - the jury is out. (Trust me, we've talked about this.) And he would like to think his mother expects that he could stand up for himself.

I don't know if I want kids or not. My Guy and I will figure it out. I would like to think that my future MIL respects me as an individual and not as a uterus going to waste. I would like to think that she would respect any decision I make.

This is such a stereotypical situation - it's embarrassing. But I'm a little bit crushed. I like my future MIL, even if we aren't always on the same page. I fear that I outed myself as totally different from her, and now she won't like me. Ever. And I fear that this is just the first in a long line of conclusions that she will jump to about me and my diseased brain and wrong way of doing things.

But I'm also not going to bust out a bunch of babies just to make her happy.

I love her son. We are partners. And we will figure it out together.

Just have some respect, m'kay?


jean said...

This will probably be one of the most difficult things in your dealings with your in-laws. Hang in there. Only you and your guy can make this decision. Of course you know that but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else.

Anonymous said...

How awful. But chin up, dear, my MIL hated me for the first few years of my life with Mr. D and now we're great pals. She'll come around. Children (and trust me, I have 3 so I know) aren't everything.

Magic27 said...

No advice on how to deal with a MIL (total fail there - the only positive being she is now, at least, my ex-MIL), but solidarity, sister. I didn't know if I wanted kids for ages (and, now that I have two girls, often question my sanity - even if I do love them to bits) and the pressure from ALL AROUND is draining. Hang in there, it's your decision, you and Your Guy, no one else's. You'll make the decision that is right for you!

Patti said...

Let it go Cha Cha. Emotions run high when mothers consider the future they imagine for their children and her tears are more for her vision of what she would want projected onto you and her son. I am finding as my daughters begin to get serious about someone, I am finding that I am not so laid back, easy to please, totally accepting. I am struggling with the idea that I know what will make them happy and what they should want from life. I know it is not my decision but have definitely shed a few tears about some of the choices they made. In other words, the tears are more about her than about you. She will love you but she may need some time to take the "story" she had created for her son and adjust it to fit what he truly wants and who he truly loves. Just continue to be the wonderful loving person that you are and embrace her and all her expectations and it will work out just fine. Also, family dynamics at the holidays can make emotions a little high. I cried three times over Thanksgiving and it was a very small gathering!

sherilee said...

What she said (all of them). Truly, can't say anything unique here, but wanted to add my voice of "been there" with the MIL. Oy. Hang in there. You and your guy will sort it out beautifully.

itsjustme said...

Mothers are fruitcakes about their sons. It's weird. Let it go. You aren't supposed to be besties and she'll get over it. Just pray that she doesn't turn into a total lunatic once you are married. On the other hand, your V isn't going to waste and that as they say, is the ringer. ; )

you gotta wonder said...

I'll open with a statement about the general unfairness of life (namely, mine), then move into an assessment of how much I've missed your blog (i.e. your life) and then offer a touching gesture about what a wonderful human you are...and maybe for good measure a recounting of the unfairness that's led to my being away so long. Too long. I've missed you. Glad to see you're doing well.

Oh, and...after 25 years of marriage I can tell you with great confidence (and experience), it's all about you and he, not you and they.

you gotta wonder said...

Oh, and...I should've tacked on a comment about my IRL sis's comment: I guess I can look forward to being a whack-job to my future DIL. "I apologize in advance, Future DIL."

Sister Three said...

Words of wisdom from Drawer Queen!!My honey & I had been married for over SIX years before we had a child and endured countless questions about our lack of children. Your life, your decision. Bottom line: his mom, your mom both just want you to be happy together. Sounds like you will be. Congrats!