Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Why I don't work at Hallmark.

I've been writing thank-you notes for wedding gifts. As one lady working the bridal registry at a big-box retailer pointed out to me, "You have to write thank yous after your wedding or nobody will give you baby gifts!"


I'm a writer. And I am a huge fan of the hand-written thank-you note. So, this should be easy for me. However, it's getting really old. I've written about 40 notes. I have 21 to go ... not that I'm counting. And My Guy? He's written 4.

I refuse to write the cards to his family. Just on general principle.

Writing so many thank yous has me getting a bit slap happy. While there are certain people who will appreciate receiving a note with a touch of delirium in it, most of these cards need to be fairly straight.

I've started fantasizing about what I'd really like to say.

Oh, yeah.

Dear My Friend's Lunatic Boyfriend,

We had a nice wedding even though you were there. However, we will never understand why you refused to leave your gift at the gift table and instead insisted on interrupting My Guy moments before the ceremony to hand him the gift personally. Considering the gift was a photo of us standing in a parking lot? We are not impressed.

I'm glad my friend is happy but, for a myriad of reasons, the girls kind of wish you'd drop dead.


Cha Cha

Whoo! That felt good!

Dear Cheap-Ass Coworker,

It's totally a cute idea to give cake pans and a cake mix together as a gift. And your handmade card had a cake on it, too. Cute! But considering that the cake mix is for two cake rounds and you only gave us one round cake pan that was not at all expensive? Now, I just think you suck.

Cha Cha

Totally on a roll ...

Dear My Guy's Aunt and Uncle,

You gave us paper mache orbs that have sayings on them like "Peace" and "Harmony." I'm so glad you were able to take advantage of that clearance sale at Kirklands. My Guy and I refer to your gift as "Jesus Bocce Ball."


Cha Cha

Whew. Like a refreshing sorbet, that totally just cleansed my palate.


Sara said...

Haha. Just send them. If you make people mad, they'll never buy you gifts again and you can cross them off your thank you note list forever.

I received a giant spoon with soup recipe attached from one of my MIL's friends. And that's all. Every time I use that spoon I'm annoyed all over again.

Trixie Bang Bang said...

1 cake pan and box mix beats my Bad Wedding Gift: a $3 generic welcome mat!

Anonymous said...

These sound like such lame wedding gifts! What ever happened to money in a card?

Anonymous said...

My imaginary thank you notes were like that, too! WTF with the cheap gifts? I'd rather have the $10 cash if that's all a person wanted to spend...
But I admire you for sticking it out to get those cards written. It's a huge task.

sherilee said...

The last two event gifts I've given (baby and wedding) I never received a thank you note... not like I'm keeping track or anything! ;) I was wondering if I missed the memo that said thank you cards were abolished, but you've restored my faith in manners!

Molly said...

I love this post. I've been so damn busy but I've had this post in my reader forever and I've been meaning to comment on it! You are a funny lady chacha!