Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Is it just me?

I had the humbling experience of receiving two very kind, very generous e-mails today. Both messages lauded me for being an authentic, honest blogger.

By "authentic and honest," I'm assuming both of these friends meant "mute and MIA."

I'm more than a bit disappointed in the volume of my writing as of late. I look at the post counts from last year and think, "Ah, those were the days! 30 posts in one month - I really had it going on!" And I forget that yeah, I posted 30 times in one month ... a month in which I didn't really leave my house. My main activities were knitting, blogging, and nursing a broken heart.

And now? Now, life is coming at me at the speed of ... well, at the speed of a really high-quality Internet connection. And I just don't have the time or the energy to post like I think I should. I'm too busy doing. I'm swamped at work. I have a lovely albeit time-consuming second job planning a wedding. I like to do crazy things like spend time with my fiance. And yet?

And yet, I am still attempting to not learn the very valuable lesson that My Guy would teach me if I'd just pull my head out of my ass and fucking pay attention.

That lesson is compassion.

I feel like I'm doing everything half-assed. I'm having moments of freak-out over the wedding. The pile of work at Corporate Behemoth continues to grow. My house is a mess and all of my produce has gone bad. I feel like a fuck up.

And yet? This kind man still loves me. And when I confessed that I didn't think I was being a very good friend to myself? He said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that. You're such a good friend and so understanding and compassionate. You need to cut yourself some slack."

So, this is me being honest. And attempting a cease-fire in the war with myself. And asking to hear from all you other my-own-worst-enemies out there: how do you engage in peace talks between the warring factions in your brain?


Caron said...

It takes time to learn to do it and one of the best ways to learn it is to drop a ball and realize that nothing bad happened. I'm training for a half marathon and am trying to get past food poisoning. Bad combination. I tell myself that at least I am not training for a full marathon. Another thing is the wedding. You feel a lot of pressure for that, but there's a lot of good advice out there and one piece is to chill a little bit. At the end of the day if you are legally wedded, then it was a good day-bottom line. All the other stuff? What other stuff? See what I mean?

Anonymous said...

No, seriously, I have to be honest about where I'm a slacker, but I balance it by reminding myself of where I'm giving my best effort. We cannot be all things.

hope505 said...

Green Girl is reading my mind, only I was going to say reefer. *HA!

I'll zen you out and say ~ everything fluctuates, you know...a time to blog, a time to run with the dogs. a time to shop for wedding dresses ( !! ) a time to eat pasta and watch TV with your Guy. A time to work, and a time to replace the edging in your yard...and a time for everything under heaven.
so, yeah, give yerself a break, gurrl!!
* = )

hope505 said...

Oh and seriously? I "go to my toolbox" and use my resources, since I am pretty much alone in the world: 1. remember, you get another chance Tomorrow. 2. Friends (and Family, for most) 3. remember to make time for what YOU love 4. Keep self-care high on your 'list' ALWAYS.

8 said...

These are words to live by: I get by with a little help from my friends........ and sometimes those friends are me, myself and I. (No, my name is not Sybil).

You have to take each thing as it comes to you and remind yourself that you are perfect imperfect. Whatever you dont get to today, guess what? There is always tomorrow.

Unknown said...

Oh ChaCha, I am so glad you found a good guy. You soooo deserve it. Any time you post is a treat for those of us who love you blog. Sometimes you need to just go take care of business. True friendship can stand a period of silence. And I hate to tell you this, but life will continue to speed up. I turned 50 last year and feel like I am busier than ever. When I was younger, I thought I would be slowing down by this age. I guess not but I think it keeps me young. So, don't worry about us, your devoted blog readers, and go out there and enjoy your life and your wedding planning. No matter what happens, it will be a beautiful day because in the end, you will be married.:)

sherilee said...

I loved reading everyone's comments above me and in a true Facebook moment, wanted to be able to "like" them all... (I know, what a dork.)

But it's true, what they said. All of them. Hang in there. Love reading what you write, when you write, and know that you're off building a life with a great guy when you're not here, so yeah for you!

itsjustme said...

Bailey's. Irish. Cream. Nightly.

Oh, and cut yourself some slack. We love you. We will happily wait.