Thursday, December 18, 2008

Be as you are, as you see, as I am, I am.

I had a weird revelation today.

I'm no longer freaked out by free time. Which is good, because I'm finding quite a bit of it as of late.

I used to both crave free time and be completely discombobulated by it when it actually came around. I would fret about all the work that I wasn't doing - fret so much that I didn't enjoy my free time, which wasn't free at all. It was stress time. Time I was held captive by supposedly relaxing.

Now? Now, I am really enjoying my couch. I'm chillin' with Foxie Doxie. I'm sleeping. I'm seeing friends and doing The Target Stroll, pushing my cart up and down every aisle because you just never know what you're going to find, especially on those clearance endcaps.

I was always the kid who fretted about what I was supposed to be doing. I played the flute for a month in fourth grade, and when I decided I didn't want to play the flute, I cried because I thought it made me a quitter, and that the band teacher would be mad at me. And, I've followed that same pattern in different variations throughout my life.

I don't know if it's the antidepressant, getting more in touch with my real self, finally wearing out the Cha Cha Who Tries to Be Perfect, or some combination thereof, but ... I just might be learning how to just be.

It's a skill. I am just in the training wheels stage. But it's a bit of a rush.

6 comments:

Tumble Fish Studio said...

You and I are so much alike. Well me and the old you. I can't stand having things that need to be done and yet, logically, I know that something will always need to be done. I used to be jealous when people from work would go home sick because I thought, "I bet their house is perfectly clean, so they can go crawl in bed and sleep and not feel like they have anything they need to do". Even when I was sick in bed, I'd stress over not having everything done and perfect and couldn't enjoy being sick if you know what I mean. And, I know people who do have everything done all the time, house is perfect, car is perfect, nails are perfect, cook perfect meals, laundry perfectly done. Now I'm depressed. Maybe you can teach me how to be the new you.

LaDue & Crew said...

I think in some relationships we put who we are on the shelf so that we can uplift the hell out of our partner. I'm not sure if this is how your relationship was, I just know that in my past, it was a habit of mine. I'm glad to see you are taking the Target stroll, finally! Not sure if I've completed a rational thought here this morning...but it's still early and the caffeine IV hasn't completely saturated yet =o)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That is a hard thing to learn! Or unlearn, as it were. Brava to you! I've read it takes a person as long as 5 days to relax on vacation--this could fall into that category perhaps.

you gotta wonder said...

Sounds like progress.

Magic27 said...

That's so cool! I strive to find the beginnings of such wisdom, but am still stuck in the total-stress-total-freak-out rut that prevents me from ever really relaxing...
More power to you, and keep enjoying the simple things - I, too, love to sit on my sofa and feel the warm furryness of Tom against me. He, at least, seems totally relaxed!

Claire B. said...

How long, exactly, after birth were we separated?