Monday, June 25, 2012

Love me, love my gut.

I think we can all agree that there's nothing more horrendous than hearing about someone else's dietary issues. So, I'll make this as long, complicated, and hideously boring as possible.

I've stopped eating gluten. When one of the various and sundry ladydoctors told me that I probably had polycystic ovarian syndrome, I started trying to figure out if I could keep such craziness at bay by, you know, eating more rutabagas or something. Or, any rutabagas.

Funny, but it seems that lots of folks have issues with wheat.

Considering that I ate Frosted Mini-Wheats for breakfast every morning, and wheat germ on my yogurt every lunch, I thought about cutting those out. So, I did. And I also stopped eating bread and pasta and sweet jeeeeeezus, there is gluten in everything.

So, I'm eating quinoa and gluten-free pretzels. And lots of apples. And some other stuff, too. I haven't given up beer, but c'mon - let's not be totally crazy. But here's the thing: I can tell when I've splurged and had some beer or (gasp!) eaten part of a bun. My gut gets all unhappy and knotty.

Plus? I've lost 5 pounds.

I know, right?

I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a wheat allergy or anything like that. But I will say that I feel better without the mass quantities of wheat in my diet. Considering that my family were wheat farmers, and my sweet grandpa even had wheat in the flower arrangement on his casket? I feel sort of guilty.

But mostly? Mostly, I need to come up with a great, folksy name for "I feel better when I don't eat wheat." Because I'm jealous of people who have diabetes, who can simply say, "Oh, I've got the sugar." Or, if they're being really descriptive and technical, "I gots the sugarbeeties."

Here are some options:
  • Glutenapathy
  • Glutenoma
  • The wheaties
  • Glutosis
  • Wheatbeeties
  • Grainophobia

Help a gluten-free girl out. I'm looking for something that says, "Gee, she's down-home, even though she will be a giant pain to feed. Her folksiness makes her dietary restrictions totally worth it!" What do you suggest?


Trixie Bang Bang said...

The Wheaties, of course. And I just found a delish gluten-free snackie snack, Plentils. Go. Check them out. Order yourself some to have with your beers.

Sara said...

I prefer "Wheatless Wonder"..... And I definitely recommend Brad's Kale Chips. Seriously, they're really good and super crunchy.

slow panic said...

Wheatless in Whee-atle.

yeah, that is really lame i know.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That's cute--The Wheaties. We are pro-gluten here, so I've got no advice, just best wishes for you.

English Rider said...

Wheat-free zone? Sans Ble (I don't know how to type accents, sorry).

The Empress said...

Love Sans Ble, too.

And kale chips...seriously and addictively delicious.

sherilee said...

I'm nuts about kale in general right now, but have not made the leap to kale chips...

I am partial to the Wheatbeeties, though Wheaties is more straightforward.

And I also feel better with less gluten in my gut. Not NONE, just less.

dkuroiwa said...

you are a stronger person than i...not sure i could live without my pasta....the bread? maybe okay...but the pasta......

one of my friends has a gluten allergy...did you know that there is gluten in soy sauce?? for cryin' all night!! we live in japan! and i must say that the japanese market is not nice to someone who is avoiding gluten.
good luck with your gluten-free life....i may be like sherilee and just start with LESS gluten..and see how she goes.
have a good weekend!!

Kate said...

But you know, the whole "I'd cry if I had to give up gluten thing"? Not so much. You see, I don't eat chocolate.

"OMG WHAT?" you may say? Well, if each and every time you consumed chocolate someone snuck up behind you, whacked you in the temple with a sledgehammer at irregular intervals, and then made you have trouble speaking, gave you a strange taste in your mouth, AND made you dizzy, you'd really learn to not love chocolate so much.

I never understood why after EVERY birthday party I went to and EVERy easter night I'd have to go to bed sick.

Um. idjit. Brain does not like chocolate! AT! ALL!

So I make do, and nobody slams me with hammers or icepicks. Win!

If you start feeling good, you'll really really start to care less about the gluten craving thing.

Heather said...

Hmmmm....I have PCOS. Sucks. And I'm trying to have babies, too (not working). I'm not doing the whole no gluten thing, but in the last few weeks I've cut out sugar, starches and refined flour (so anything white, really), trying to cut down the insulin (or something. I don't know). I'm hoping it'll help. I read something about PCOS being more about insulin than anything, and too much unprocessed insulin in my blood turns into man-hormones. So in an attempt to not turn into a man (and not be a fatty), I'm trying to fight this hormonal BS with diet. Lost five lbs, too, so that's good (helps with the babymaking practice at least). Sorry for the oversharing. I've just found you and I think you're hilarious.