At the news of the sad, sad loss of my microwave, reader Leesa asked, "What's your secret for breaking a microwave? I've been trying to break ours for years in order to get a new one."
Now, reader Sharon chimed in with a truly helpful hint: "Invite some hulking teenage boys over. They are excellent at breaking microwaves."
Uh, if you're looking to bust up a microwave, I think Sharon's got the right idea.
1. Buy a repo house. Be naïve and foolish, believing that you and your beloved can clean it up, paint every surface, and make it good as new in just a few weeks.
2. Realize only when it comes time to clean the filthy kitchen that the microwave has no handle. Fantasize that the handle was ripped clean off the door during the feats of strength portion of Festivus. Try to believe that this explains why the only handle remnant is cut bolts that are impossible to remove.
3. Discover that you can jimmy the door open by lifting up and pulling. Make peace with the fact that this not only opens the door, but also occasionally causes the exhaust grill to fly across the kitchen. Go on with your life.
4. Live with said jerry-rigged microwave for almost 3 years. Always be a bit dumbfounded when visitors ask how to open the microwave. Be reminded of your trashiness. Swallow the shame with your tasty, microwaved meals.
5. Wake one cool autumn morning to find that the microwave stopped working in the middle of the night. Test the outlet. Call the time of death. Attempt to ignore your husband's muffled sobs. Hold him as he cradles his cold Healthy Choice entrée.
6. Order a new microwave online. Try to have faith in your husband's assertion that the 2 of you can install it yourselves. Consider starting to drink now in preparation.
And that, friends, is how I break a microwave.
I'll keep you posted on the new microwave installation efforts. Pray for us.