Monday, August 29, 2016

Yoga for the family.

This morning, I found a couple of yoga videos on Amazon Prime and decided to play along. The first video, full of sun salutations and warrior poses, did not get even a raised eyebrow from the dogs. But the second video, the guided savasana that was a glorious 18 minutes of guided meditation and total relaxation?

Well, the second I laid on my mat, those dogs acted like they'd never seen me - or another human, really - ever before. This is how it went down.

Voiceover: "Welcome to your personal retreat for relaxation and centeredness ..."

Me: Prone on floor, eyes closed, breathing slowly.

Lil' Frankfurter: OHMYGOD! Who is this person on the floor? I must investigate! I will stand on it!

Me: "Uhhh" as dachshund jumps on my ladychest.

Big Doodle: Hey, what's going on? I will saunter over.

Voiceover: "... feel your breath move to every part of your body, bringing relaxation and peace ..."

Me: I sense something beyond a dachshund on my chest. I open my eyes to see Big Doodle manparts hanging over my face. In his investigation, my 80-pound labradoodle has straddled my head and come to a complete standstill. I usher him along.

Big Doodle: "Siiiiiiiigh."

Voiceover: "... breathe in peace ... breathe out tension and pain ..."

Lil' Frank: OHMYGOD! I love Kong! Let's play Kong! I will get the Kong! I will gum the Kong with great gusto, then place it in your hand, which is conveniently palm-up! Let's play Kong! Let's play Kong! WHY AREN'T YOU THROWING THE KONG?
Nothing is better than gumming a Kong. Nothing, except gently encouraging loved ones to throw said Kong.
Me: Submit to the high-pitched doxie bark and throw the Kong so that I might avoid losing my hearing wholly and permanently.

Voiceover: "... something soothing ... that I can't hear ... over the barking ..."

Lil' Frank: Throw the Kong! Throw the Kong! Throw the Kong!

Me: Throw the Kong and attempt to achieve inner peace.

Voiceover: "... Kong is a journey through breath and high-pitched barking ..."

Lil' Frank: Throw the Kong! Throw the Kong! Throw the Kong!

Voiceover: "... Kong is a way of life that leads to peace and contentment ..."

Lil' Frank: Throw the Kong! Do it again! Throw the Kong!

(repeat forever)

Bonus! At some point, I give up, open my eyes, and realize there's blood everywhere. Lil' Frank's delicate paws were not made for such fevered Kong action. He has run a paw raw and oozed blood all over me, the yoga mat, and the floor.

If this isn't relaxation, I don't know what is.

6 comments:

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

You are truly living the life. Actually, I'm impressed you hung in there (ha! HUNG. Thanks, Big Doodle) for as long as you did. Now I must try to explain to my family why I've been snorting for the past 3 minutes.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think you need to lock the doors next time! No peace for you!

BentNotBroken said...

This post literally made my day! Granted, I'm having bourbon and oreos for dinner at 10 pm, so suffice to say I've had better days. Seriously though, thanks for the laughs!

Becky Brown said...

Karen, it was ... an unexpected sight. So glad it gave you the snorts!

Becky Brown said...

Green Girl, you are so right! Lil' Frank crying behind a closed door would be a huge, Zen improvement.

Becky Brown said...

BentNotBroken, I'm so glad I made your day better - hurray! As for dinner ... there must be something in the air. I had Scotch and Oreos for dinner a few nights ago. I feel you!