Thursday, March 30, 2017

Seventeen things I've learned from having a puppy for lo these six days.

Although I have long been a crazy dog lady, I have never had a puppy until Walter the Wonderdoodle came into our home just a few days ago. He is the bestest, cutest, smartest pup on the planet and has already taught me many things.

1. Toilets are AMAZING. They offer a rich bouquet of fragrances and we should all strive to get as close to that olfactory palette as possible. This includes - but is not limited to - trying to climb inside the toilet.

2. It is possible to get stuck behind the toilet.

3. If you should get stuck behind the toilet, scream like you are being actively mauled by a bear. If you can do this in the dark to further confuse your pack, all the better.
Toilet kidnapping aftermath: Total exhaustion.
4. It is possible to get inside a dishwasher.

5. Schedule bringing home a new pup to coincide with the delivery of nine cubic yards of mulch. The newest family member understands each and every wood chip deserves to be chewed and perhaps even carried inside.

6. Nine cubic yards of mulch is approximately 32,627,973 mouthfuls of mulch.

7. Mulch does not match our interior design.

8. It is impossible to pee outside while surrounded by fresh mulch. There are too many smells.
"Hey! Did you guys know there's mulch up here?"
9. Earrings are made for chewing.

10. That goes for bracelets, too.

11. And that sweater with the fringy stuff on it.

12. Also the quilt grandma made.

13. Water tastes better out of someone else's glass. It is worth scaling a side table to reach.
It's an immersive experience.
14. It is a true CRISIS when all members of the pack are not in the same room. If one of the humans happens to leave the room to go to the bathroom or to get something from the kitchen, there is but one option: scream. Do not stop until everyone is back in the same room, no matter how much the humans might try to soothe you or divert your attention with some sort of inferior, non-human toy.

15. If not having the entire pack in the same room is a crisis, having a pack member in the shower is THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED. You just don't know if or when somebody can come back from that. Screaming and scratching on the shower door is mandatory.

16. Miniature dachshunds are crabby and way too touchy. They snap when you try to tackle them.
"Will somebody get this bro away from me? Who invited this guy, anyway?"
17. Being highly malleable and sporting a large puppy belly will allow you to get away with just about anything.
"And this is how it's done, kids. Watch and learn."
Seriously.

7 comments:

Becky said...

Many moons ago, we were going to get a puppy. We figured we needed to put in a fence first though, so we started on that and realized it was going to be a lot of work. That's when my husband got the bright idea that we should have a baby instead, because that was way less work (at the time) than building a fence. Although had we thought that through, we'd have been able to leave the dog home in a crate way sooner than we could leave the baby home alone (not in a crate. They frown on that.)

And so, when the baby was old enough to ask for a dog, I specifically said no puppy. Having barely lived through toilet training a human, I knew a dog was beyond me. Which is how we ended up with our two year old rescue beagle. Who also has freakouts when her pack is not in the same room. But the rest of the time, she's housebroken.

Walter is totally adorable.

Cinny said...

Puppyhood is a whole different world and even if you've gone thru it before, you forget what it's truly like. But he is adorable and LF will adjust to his presence. The days of being in the bathroom alone are probably gone forever. Enjoy your new puppy as he explores the world and grows into those paws. So cute!!

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

This post almost makes me want a puppy. Almost.
Moses the [old man] dog would probably hate me if I did that. You can tell LF that if he needs to chill, he can come to our yard.
But this blog post STILL almost makes me want a puppy!

Patti said...

O . M . G . He is the most adorable puppy ever!!!!!! I love his name, I love his face and I love that he has this amazing new home! MORE PICTURES!

BentNotBroken said...

Walter is adorable!!!!!!! Looking forward to living vicariously through you!

I've given up on mulch. It always ends up being a snack or a digging pit for the dog. We were also lucky enough that he didn't know the wonders of the magic water bowl in the bathroom until shortly after he turned 8. My 18 month old niece was gracious enough to show him that one....

nell galles said...

omg!! we need to meet him!! what a cutie! congratulations on your new family member! xo

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I don't know what's funnier in my brain--the mulch or the toilet. What a hoot!