Sunday, November 23, 2008

Like a bad case of acne.

Today I drove about an hour and 20 minutes to meet my surrogate parents. I worked with this dear woman when I first moved to my fair city, and she and her tough but darling hubby took me under their wing. They have fed me when I needed nourishment, and not just food. They've helped me move - that's what kind of people they are.

So, Surrogate Mom and Surrogate Dad moved about a year ago, and I have only seen them once or twice since the move. But we each drove half way today and spent the afternoon in a diner. It was so, so wonderful to see them and catch up.

Surrogate Dad excused himself, saying something about finding a car wash, and left Surrogate Mom and I to chat. And we both ended up crying as we talked about the last few months, and the many breaks and cracks in my heart.

It's funny, though. I cried in a diner that wasn't empty. People saw me crying. And I just didn't care. I don't have the energy to spend trying to keep my shit together for people I don't know.

It's freeing. And two weeks ago, when my boss at Corporate Behemoth asked me what was wrong? I evaded his question, then went back to my desk, took a deep breath, and wrote him an e-mail. I explained that the man I was going to marry changed his mind, and I was having a hard time. I thanked my boss for his concern, and explained that I couldn't talk about it without crying, so e-mail it was.

And while that was sort of mortifying, it was freeing as well. I got a very kind response from my boss. Just like how none of the diner patrons pointed and laughed at me today.

I don't know why I feel the need to pretend like everything is ok, even when it's really, really not. Just being honest about what I'm going through is empowering. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed that I am nursing a serious heartbreak. But there is a part of me that feels like I should just get over it already. And I was surprised by how much I cried this afternoon.

But, so it goes. It's grief. And it's probably written on my forehead anyway, so I might as well just let it all out.


you gotta wonder said...

Right on.

LaDue & Crew said...

My heart goes out to you... crying is good. Crying and not giving a rats ass about the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer nose is even better. You are destined for great, better things... hang tight.

Starshine said...

It's so healing to let it out. I'm glad that you did.


Kerry said...

Freeing is true, but hard as well. You're doing the right thing, though. Holding it in won't do you any good.

dallasdiva said...

Not to in any way cause more distress, but you should know when you are totally in love and that person breaks your heart . . . odds are good you are going to be very sad for a long time. Don't feel guilty or think that there is a timeline out there for how long you are allowed to cry when you see something that reminds you of him. Just blog about it and all your friends will give you moral support!!

Anonymous said...

I deal with grief on a regular basis (I'm a pediatric oncology nurse), and I can tell you this much: Grief is an intensely personal thing and follows no set timeline or structure. It is what it is. You are grieving the future that you were looking forward to, and you are grieving the loss of the man that you loved. It WILL take time to get over that. Your timetable for grief might be different from mine (though I suspect you're actually doing a little better than I would be), but that doesn't mean that you aren't doing it right. You are. Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need, and if anyone gives you the whole "get over it" argument, tell them to shut up.

By the way, you sound stronger and stronger every day. You really are getting there.

cndymkr / jean said...

I don't know what to tell you except to hang in there.

Linda Crispell said...

If I saw a stranger crying in a diner I think I would send over pie.
It's going to take awhile, and a few more tears.
I picture the former Mr. Wonderful with a buffalo hump on his back and a bad comb over, you don't need that.
Your Pal,

Saucy said...

Yes, just keep letting it out. Better out than in, my Granny would say.

hope505 said...

"...But, so it goes. It's grief..."

Amen. No timeline for that. I catch myself thinking about my mom's death: "I should be feeling better by now..." and then someone else will say, "well, it's ONLY been a year..."
Only?? wtf?? The longest year of my life.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

I'm all about being true with your feelings...truth is powerful and freeing AND it takes incredible courage.

It's OK to grieve.

Gertrude Jane McCartney said...

I know these are all your commments but its helps broken hearted me to read them too.
Heart ache boo!
But each day ends with this thought...
Okay, I don't have to do that day again.
Much support still coming from my broken heart to yours.

distracted by shiny objects said...

I must have worked with Saucy's Granny, cuz we ALWAYS say,"Better out than in." You let that heart of yours empty out so you can fill it with joy in time.

Minnesota Matron said...

People are good, honey. Most of us. And everybody gets unbearable pain. So we don't revel in someone else's. . . . May you find more and more people not pointing and being kind!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm so glad you had them to help you grieve. They sound really special.