Monday, August 3, 2009

Yes, I do have a future as a spokesmodel.

I have been touched by the hundreds - nay, thousands - of you who have reached out to me and admitted that you, too, believed in the magic of Jillian Michaels' I Will Kill You workout DVD - also known as Shred. My research has shown that only 2 percent of all users have completed Shred more than three times.

Mine is, uh, on top of the DVD player. It has never actually been inside of the DVD player. But it used to be on the coffee table, so we're making progress. I can feel the pounds melting off already.

Actually, it occurred to me tonight that I totally wasted my money. I already own the most perfect workout equipment in the universe.

Yes. I have an Electrolux vacuum.

Now, before you think I'm all dissing the Electrolux, let me stop you right now. I love my Electrolux. But I have to be honest about the situation.

If you have wood floors, there is nothing better than an old-school Electrolux with all the 97 attachments. There are special brushes and such just for wood floors, and they will become your best friends.

My grandma had an Electrolux. It was turquoise and I think it came from the Spring '63 collection. She used it until 2001. It's now in my parents' basement. Yes, it still works. She's a beaute.

My mom had an Electrolux, which she was kind enough to give me when I bought my house. It's brown, probably from the Fall '79 or Winter '80 collections. I think she gave it to me because at a certain point, she decided that vacuuming didn't also have to be a weightlifting event.

The Electrolux weighs a lot. Like, about 37 pounds.

And it puts off heat. It get sort of hot to the touch. This probably isn't good.

But it cleans! And it tells you when the bag is full! And not only does it de-dog-hair my floors, but it also gives me a great workout. Screw the Shred cardio / weight / abs formula. My vacuum cleaner gives me weight training, an aerobic workout, and the added bonus of pore cleansing from the heat - like my own personal sauna while I'm cleaning my house. It scares the crap out of my dogs, too, which solidifies my position as alpha of our pack.

Evidently, Electrolux makes these hip new vacuums now. I can't speak to any model that's not at least 30 years old. They're Johnny-come-latelys, really.

I'm a little embarrassed that my Electrolux doesn't have a name. Before the Electrolux, my parents had a powder blue upright vac with a blue and white plaid bag. His name was Irving. But I don't think we ever named the brown bomber that's currently kicking ass and taking names at my house.

Any suggestions?

Oh, and yes, I realize I do need to get out more. Thanks.


Tumble Fish Studio said...

I am not one of your more clever fans and thus must wait for inspiration to hit me as far as naming your brown magic vacuum. Yes, unfortunately for you, I am one of your denser fans with blogbrain from visiting and commenting over 130 blogs today, sharing my lack of wit with as many as possible. So, I just wanted to say Thank You. Thank you for reminding me of my parents' two tone pink Hoover upright with the long gray, red, and black fabric like hose. That vacuum was my friend and it was my enemy. It was a passionate relationship full of give and take, sacrifice and fulfillment. I dare say, I have another movie script floating around in my head thanks to you and one of your entertaining posts - and despite all appearances thus far, it is not x rated and totally innocent. However, I may research the x rated venue to find an appropriate name for your brown stallion of a vacuum you seem quite fond of. It's no trouble.

LaDue & Crew said...

My mom had one of those long, heavy SOB's. I named it John. As in Holmes. It's length seemed fitting.

Anonymous said...

How about BIG Frankfurter? Or would that just confuse Lil Frank?

Anonymous said...

See, you're vacuuming, I'm gardening--useful exercise:) But I don't name anything. Not my car, not my appliances. I call my hoe a hoe. But I'm boring that way.

you gotta wonder said...

My family named cars, not vacuum cleaners. I do remember being grateful for the Christmas tree that dropped so many needles it killed the Electrolux. No more lugging the beast up and down the stairs. Whew! It was a work-out, I just didn't appreciate it back then.

Gretchen Hembree said...

My parents STILL have the vacuum they got as a wedding present 42 years ago. (I think it is a Hoover.) I will say they haven't used it for about the past 9 since they built houses with Beam built in vacs. They did give me a second hand vacuum when I graduated from college that the office cleaning guy rebuilt and sold to them for $10. That FINALLY died in the last few months. Ryan and I took ourselves down to that consumer haven (aka Costco) and bought our first official vacuum. We even laughed when we got it that it wasn't a gift for either or us, but for Sandy our cleaning lady. She does complement me on it now every time I see her. And sadly I couldn't even tell you what brand it is! Yikes, does that say something about me that I don't want it to? :) Hopefully it will last me (or the cleaning lady) forty years!

mel said...

hahaha, I think Brown Bomber sounds awesome. That thing looks amazing. My Mawmaw has an old Hoover that I swear to you cannot be lifted. It also sends dogs screaming in fear...

Iron Needles said...

Mom had an electrolux. Must have had since she was first married. An 'investment', don'tchaknow. How I hated that thing. That chore fell to the sister and myself. I don't ever remember her vacuuming. Then the X sold us (!) a Rainbow. It was almost worse, and I made him take it in the dee-vorce.

When he left, I bought myself an upright. One of the really nice, expensive ones. Sister calls me a vacuum elitist. I call me happy.