Saturday, April 24, 2010

I wonder if he registered for hair gel.

Last night was Big Stoopid Gala.

I go to this event every year. The first year I attended, I stressed over every last detail of my ensemble. I had a dramatic floor-length gown and three different pairs of earrings to choose from. New shoes. New handbag. I schlepped my computer bag around for a week without the shoulder strap, just I didn't risk bruises on my shoulder. I went all out.

I went all out because I had just broken up with Ex-Ex. And I couldn't afford the new dress and shoes and all the rest of it, but I couldn't afford not to do it. We had both been on the committee for the event. Then, I just stopped getting notices about meetings, and I didn't get asked to do stuff anymore.

You can see where this is going.

Ex-Ex had told the event chairs that I had quit the committee. Which I hadn't.

So, after I stopped literally seeing red, I knew that I had to go to Big Stoopid Gala. And I had to look like a million bucks. And I couldn't flinch when I saw Ex-Ex and the woman he took up with either at the end of our relationship or immediately following it ... I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, but I'm not stupid.

Anyway. I went. I saw him do the tiniest of double takes. His ladyfriend looked like a linebacker in her spaghetti-strap dress. And I have never felt so lonely in my life.

I thought about all of the hours of preparation I put into that first go-round as I threw together my ensemble last night. I think I spent a total of 15 minutes getting ready, and nine of those minutes were spent changing my bra three times.

So, I had a few extra minutes before I had to be out the door. I checked Facebook. Because she is a fickle mistress and I can't quit her, no matter how hard I try.

And guess what that bitch had to tell me?

Ex-Ex is getting married. In less than a month.

Not to his linebacker ladyfriend, but to a woman he's been dating for a year and a half, maybe two.

I read these words and felt my face go numb.

And no, we aren't Facebook friends, but we have mutual friends ... all of whom seem so excited about the upcoming nuptials. And then I saw the Web site where friends and family commented about how thrilled they were for the marriage and celebration. Family, like the couple that I considered my in laws for seven years.

Ex-Ex and I were together for seven years. We talked about marriage. We looked at rings. We looked at rings three times. And I was stubborn and refused to see that it wasn't a healthy relationship, and instead focused on energies on "OMFG, why won't he propose already?"

So, yesterday, when my face went numb? I immediately thought of that scene from When Harry Met Sally when she finds out that her ex is getting married. He said he didn't want to get married ... but really, he just didn't want to marry me. Why didn't he want to marry me? What's wrong with me?

And no, I didn't cry, and no, I don't want him back, and yeah, I don't quite know how I feel about this all. We broke up five years ago. I didn't respond to the e-mails he sent me last summer. Without conscious intent, I have made it clear that I don't want a relationship of any kind with him. So, I suppose he should be excused for not telling me that he's getting married.

But I think I should also be excused for being a bit ... taken aback. And unchatty in my not-new-nor-particularly-attractive ensemble at Big Stoopid Gala. Where he wasn't. Because he's off finalizing plans for his wedding. Which I'm glad doesn't involve me. But I'm still wondering if I should send a card to show what a Big Fucking Lady of Grace and Dignity I happen to be.

I love My Guy, and I love that I could tell him about my recent discovery and he was as befuddled as I was. He even said he thought it was weird that Ex-Ex didn't tell me, and wondered how he would react should his ex-wife ever remarry. All of that shows me that my partner is truly my friend, and an empathetic, caring man to boot.

Speaking of which, I tried to call my dad to put the nail in my mental freak-out coffin, but he wasn't home. So, I channeled him. I figured he would tell me, "What do you care about that mess for, anyway? I still think he's gay. And he's settling for her because he can't have you. You're so much better off."

And he's right.

But I'm still watching When Harry Met Sally for the gazillionth time. You know ... just because.


Cyndi B. said...

Cha Cha, so sorry for the way you had to find out. Maybe it's just me, but I think a courtesy call, email or text would have been appropriate.

And Your Guy...a keeper. What a gem!

sherilee said...

Gah. What an ass. I'm so glad you're where you are, with such a lovely man, and nowhere near him!

Anonymous said...

Amazing how it can still sting after you've sucked out all the poison. But your dad and Guy sound like good counsel and I'm glad you've got them!

And linebackers should NEVER wear spaghetti straps!

Caron said...

You dodged a bullet. Good call on WHMS. I'm sorry for how it made you feel. I often channel the man of wisdom: another good call on your part.

itsjustme said...

Oh, how I could feel the acid in my stomach burning imagining myself in the same situation and feeling the EXACT same way.

I love WHMS. And his not wanting to marry you was definitely about him and not you. AND thank GOD because that set you free to meet My Guy. xoxo

8 said...

Cha Cha, sorry you had to find out this way.... but sounds like he was SO not the right guy for you. I am glad that MyGuy was there for you.
Movin on up, to bigger and better things.

hope505 said...'s okay. DON'T send a card, because 'how would you even know' about the wedding?(if you hadn't looked at facebook) I mean, theoretically, you've been so wrapped up in your own fascinating life and perfect whirlwind of an epic romance that you haven't even had time to consider any of the schmucks who litter the highway of your past... what sort of trolls they've hooked up with since making the foolish decision to downgrade from YOU, or what flavor of dysfunctional, boring, joyless lives they must be living now in your abscence.

Just enjoy the NOW and fer godsakes skip that damn event next year! *haha!* Pick a different gala that you AND GWTD can both go to and light up the town!

Sara said...

Me: Ex-Ex is getting married.
D: To a woman?

Honey, you're in a much better place.

LaDue & Crew said...

{wave}Hi! As usual,I have lots of catching up to do over here. I am pond scum, I know... Ok, back to reading and catching up ;)

slow panic said...

hugs to you. It seems to me that My Guy is wonderful -- the fact that you can talk to him about this? is HUGE.

I'm sorry you found out that way and that it still stings. Wallow just for a moment in When Harry Met Sally, eat some chocolate, and keep channeling your dad. He sounds like a very wise man

Wenderina said...

I'm having sympathy pains (kind of like your headache and Bret's aneurism). We never want to think we aren't the choice any person would make. You're human like the rest of us.