My friend Annie came over tonight. We were going to do a burning bowl ceremony - you write down all the things you are ready to release, forgive, forget, and you set your intentions for starting anew as you burn the paper. It's good stuff.
We got to talking. As you do. And as the one and only person who knew both me and The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful separately before we dated, Annie had a bit of an update.
You see, towards the end of our relationship, Mr. Wonderful admitted that he had feelings for a coworker. Let's call her Lisa, because that's her real name, and if I had her phone number, I'd post that, too. But I don't.
I was devastated by the revelation, and hurt even more deeply by the fact that he refused to stop seeing her in social situations. I understood that they worked together. I didn't understand why Mr. Not-So-Wonderful wasn't willing to cancel social plans he had made with Lisa despite the fact that he knew I was horribly, painfully, words-can't-describe upset by it all.
Mr. Not-So-Wonderful promised me that nothing would ever happen because Lisa was "really religious."
Dude, I have seen Footloose. I know all about church girls.
He kept his social events with Lisa. And at one point, he admitted that while things between the two of us were rocky, he figured that if we broke up, it would take a long, long time before he was ready to date anyone. But when he was, he could date Lisa.
You can see where this is going.
Annie went to a party at Mr. Wonderful's house. He and Lisa are dating.
Evidently, "a long, long time" is a few weeks.
I told Annie I assumed that my picture was no longer on his refrigerator.
Annie replied that no, the fridge was covered almost entirely in drawings of bunnies. And that's when I totally lost my shit.
Drawings of bunnies made by the bunny-obsessed Ladybug with crayons and paper that I gave her. Drawings displayed in the kitchen where my Monaco Grand Prix poster hangs because it looked better in his house than in mine. The kitchen right off the bathroom that I helped remodel, just up the stairs from the basement where I spent an entire weekend of my life organizing a playroom and family room.
That was going to be my family.
And then The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful went off the deep end. I've honestly written him off as crazy. His behavior was so irrational and hurtful and just weird. I was lucky to get out.
And yet? He still has power over me. I didn't think he could still hurt me. But I was wrong.
We didn't do the burning bowl ceremony. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to look forward clearly and look back with no regrets. I was too busy crying.