Sunday, August 30, 2009

Ewwww.

We've been talking a lot about our Miss Universe-esque cultural heritage costumes. Don't forget to leave a comment describing the costume that best represents your peoples. You could win fabulous prizes!

Lil' Frankfurter initially thought he would wear a black and white striped prison uniform for his costume. It would reflect both his puppy prison background and the tyrannical rule of yours truly. However, he has since decided that he doesn't want to be negative, so he would just wear a costume made entirely of tennis balls.

Foxie Doxie was adamant from the get-go about his costume. He would proudly represent the doxie peoples by wearing a possum pelt. The skanky, hairless tail would be curled up on his head like a crown. And Foxie's chest would be puffed out like the great hunter he is.

As for me? Well, my costume of 21-year-old t-shirt and dog-hair-encrusted sweatpants has had a few additions.

First? I will be carrying my new life partner, Ione the iPhone. Yes. I got an iPhone. I don't know how to use it at all, but she has a pink case and is lovely. She's named after my great-aunt.

Secondly, I will have to hike up the left pant leg of those nasty sweatpants to show off a little home maintenance experiment gone awry.

If you are power washing the 17 layers of paint off of your front stoop, because it's stupid to paint a front stoop because the paint just peels anyway? And you end up with dirt and paint flakes all over your body?

Umm? Fight the temptation to take the water-shooting device in your hand and use it to rinse off your legs. Remember: you are holding a power washer. And yeah, it's powerful. And yeah, it will hurt.
Yeah, I got your sexy right here.

The third addition to my cultural heritage costume is courtesy of Foxie Doxie, who has been spending a lot of time in the backyard this weekend. Tonight, I finally figured out what was so interesting along the back fence line.

Foxie came in and ran past me, ignoring my demands to wipe his paws. From across the room, he shot me a look that said, "Oh, damn. I'm not going to get away with this, am I?"

It was then that I noticed the grey fur sticking out of the side of his mouth.

Now, the swell thing about having small dogs is that you can just pick them up and force them to do your bidding. This is how I managed to get Foxie and a roll of paper towels out on the deck in a matter of seconds. However, the entire time I was yelling, "I can't believe you brought that into MY HOUSE! What the FUCK were you thinking? Oh, HELL no!"

Because I was channeling the trailer from that Beyonce movie where she's all, "Oh, Ali Larter, you did NOT come into my house and touch my CHILD!"

Me and Beyonce? That's how we roll.

So, I took a paper towel and used it to fish the treasure out of Foxie's mouth. It was a tiny baby bunny ... well, half a baby bunny. Let's just leave it at that.

I promptly dumped Foxie into his kennel. And I wrapped the carcass in the paper towel, then double bagged it in two Target bags. Having learned my lesson last time about how rotting varmint can pretty much ruin your garage, and also thinking about a show I saw about bears recently, I hung the double-bagged bunny from a hook on my deck, next to the wind chime.

I'll take it to a dumpster tomorrow. But for tonight? My cultural heritage costume includes a Target bag swinging about saucily.

5 comments:

Dorrie said...

Although I prefer dogs over cats, you keep reminding me what I don't miss about my two old pals that passed away last year. I think I will just stick with my cats for now. Be thankful it was not a torn-to-shreds baby skunk like my dog proudly gave me one summer. And the power washer tip? Too late. I already tried it on my feet. My toes hurt for days. Glad to know I am not the only one!

Iron Needles said...

the power washer ploy reminds me of the old adage...'seemed like a good idea at the time'...

Andi said...

Ok, ouch! That looks like it smarts!

I had to laugh at the idea of hanging the poor dead bunny from a hook on your back porch. Like it was a warning to all the other bunnies... "Stay out of this yard, or this will be thy fate!!"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That's kind of why I leave Vi's mouse guts on the porch.
The power washer story? Oh Cha Cha. My brother in law just did the same thing to his FEET. I remember thinking what a dumbass he was...but you're not one.

you gotta wonder said...

What? No pix of the kill? You leaving me out here as the only killer-pet-owner who posts photos of the trophy's? C'mon.

I fell behind in my reading and my posts, but tonight's conference calls were rescheduled so I got a few free minutes to read. I'm about to go post Alabaster's latest kill. It's the best I can come up with these days.