Dad: So, I see you've been quoting me in your blog again.
Me: Yeah?
Dad: You know you can't just get away with that because I read your blog.
Me: I know, I know - but I can't think about White Christmas without thinking of how much you hate Rosemary Clooney's character! You calling her a bitch is what Christmas means to me!
Dad: Well, it's true. She's awful!
Me: Yeah?
Dad: You know you can't just get away with that because I read your blog.
Me: I know, I know - but I can't think about White Christmas without thinking of how much you hate Rosemary Clooney's character! You calling her a bitch is what Christmas means to me!
Dad: Well, it's true. She's awful!
Me: Yeah.
Dad: You can't tell me that if they made a sequel to White Christmas that she and Bing Crosby wouldn't be divorced. They'd be divorced and the whole movie would be people telling Bing what a bitch his ex-wife was.
Me: So, another holiday film?
Dad: Right. You can't tell me that he could put up with her. They'd totally be divorced. That's why they never made a sequel to that movie.
And ... scene!
My dad's a smart guy, and he's got a point. But it got me to thinking ... what would happen in other holiday movies if they made sequels? Would Cindy Lou Who become a militant vegan who lectured the Whos on the evils of roast beast and who horrified her parents by piercing every bit of skin on her body?
What ever happened to Old Man Potter? Did he ever die, or was he involved in the Madoff scandal?
And Tiny Tim - did he inherit all of Scrooge's money and become a total visor-wearing, Kardashian-dating, reality show-having idiot?
These are the issues that keep me awake at night.
These are the issues that keep me awake at night.
So, you know what this means. Yes. It's time for another giveaway.
Leave a comment with your most outrageous holiday movie sequel idea. The more inappropriate, the better. The most awesomest of the awesome sequel concepts will win what is truly a great gift basket ... let's just say that I purposely gathered an extra gift on par with what my besties will receive this year. It will change your life!
Sequel it up by noon on Sunday for a chance at fame and fabulous prizes. Make me laugh and enable me to do what I love: give shit away. Everybody wins!
Now. Whatever happened to Ralphie's little brother, Randy?
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10 comments:
Scott Farkus ends up in prison (of course); Randy is happily married (to a man); and although Ralphie is blind in one eye, he is well-known as the foremost purveyor of sexy leg lamps.
(I spent WAYYYY too much time thinking about this.)
Herbie the Elf opens up a dental practice and extracts thousands of teeth full of cavities, leading to a ban on candy canes in the North Pole. Mrs. Claus gives Santa what for for being a judgmental jerkwad and he and the Reindeer Coach take sensitivity training. In their absence, The Abominable leads the elves in toy making (Monster Trucks!) and Rudolph continues to lead the reindeer training while Charise gives birth to TWINS. Santa fails sensitivity training, Mrs. Claus falls for the gold-digging Yukon Cornelius who is already fat and HE becomes the NEW SANTA while old Santa winds up manning a convenience store in New Jersey where people are jerks to HIM.
I don't know about Cindy Lou Who, but Max the dog? Oh, he has issues.
See, it doesn't really matter that the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day. Because the damage was done. Sure, he can return the gifts and eat him some roast beast. But can he return Max's dignity?
No.
Poor Max remains a beaten, devastated puppy who expects to be humiliated, used and abused.
The only solution? Dial the Dog Whisperer, and make a sequel. Call it "The Dog Whisperer Who Stole Christmas Back From That Big Meany, The Grinch, and Gave it to Max, The Kind and Slightly Crazy Dog (But Don't Worry, Because He's Totally in Therapy and Getting the Grinch's Christmas is Helping. A Lot.)."
Susie (from Miracle on 34th St) is a teenager and has become addicted to meth. She peddles herself downtown to get money for the next score and runs into Old St Nick who brings her back home. Her mother (divorced from the other guy) is in her late 40s and lonely, she finds Old St Nick's jolliness a tad attractive, they hook up and get the daughter off to rehab. The movie ends with the now not so little girl coming home to find santa her new stepdad.
Randy had to be surgically extracted from his too bulky and tight latex faux leather snowsuit after developing a taste for that kind of attire later in life.
Oh, you crack me up. I am finally stopping by for a long overdue visit. I'm glad you weren't holding your breath as I am way, way, way behind. I have lots of lookin' and readin' to do here but wanted to make sure I dropped off some big fat wishes for a very blissful Christmas with your family and friends! I love you, Cha Cha!
marsha
So my sequel would be to "Love Actually," which I'm not a fan of, mostly, and everyone else seems to just adore. (I saw it while going through a nasty divorce and the whole office affair thing just annoyed me to no end.) Anyway, I called it "Love Awfully," which is what I would call the sequel. Everyone would have a disastrous end to their relationships, the porn couple would get really fat, the prime minister would get impeached (or whatever happens to the Brits) for some scandal, the brother in the asylum would go on a killing spree and he'd kill off the guy who obsesses over his best friend's wife... you get my drift.
So not exactly an upper, but still... a holiday tale to be told...
OK OK OK! I finally have it! I have been thinking all week about this. Best Christmas movie ever. Well. There's two. Christmas Vacation and Die Hard. I KNOW! So in the Vacation sequel, they all go to VEGAS! And the mom gets to meet Wayne Newton...and oh... hmmm...that was the sequel, wasn't it? And Die Hard, it has it's own sequel, too, doesn't it?
Well, the season it upon us, isn't it...
OK, I came up with a happier sequel... are we allowed two entries? This one is for "Elf." Buddy and his bride take over management of the toy factory at the North Pole and stave off a hostile takeover bid from some rival holiday faction (Festivus?), go on to make toys and live happily ever after.
The Holidays find all of our favorite kids back in their hometown catching up with each other over drinks:
Linus and Sally got married and live in the burbs with their 2.5 kids, mini-van and Snoopy’s puppies (and a pumpkin patch where he still spends each Halloween waiting for the Great Pumpkin.)
After a couple of failed marriages Lucy finds herself bitter and unemployed. She winds up serving drinks at a topless bar and realizing that Karma truly can be a bitch.
Peppermint Patty and Marcie just got back from DC where their union was recognized by law.
Schroeder made it to the finals of “America’s got Talent” where he lost to a bubbly blonde singing sensation.
Pigpen got the last laugh when he founded a technology company, got rich in an IPO and now spends his time traveling the world and working for charity.
After a childhood filled with disappointments and self esteem issues, Charlie Brown turned it all around and became a life coach.
Mothereffer it just lost my very long, marginally witty comment. Summary: My sequel involves my long-term boyfriend Bill Pullman and him divorcing Sandra Bullock after the quasi-Christmas movie "While You Were Sleeping." The end. No prize for me, but at least I played.
This made me laugh, "Peppermint Patty and Marcie just got back from DC where their union was recognized by law," but c'mon...they went to Iowa!
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