Tuesday, December 17, 2013

This should be covered in pre-wedding counseling.

Let's talk about marital relations. Specifically, relating to your spouse in bed.

Yes. I'm talking about relating to your spouse in light of various and sundry electronics in bed.

First, there was the smartphone. My Guy would read and fall asleep with his phone propped up on his chest, or held sort of catty-whompus by his side. Because I am a night owl and always fall asleep last, I would oh-so-helpfully take the phone. Because I'm a giver, and I don't want My Guy to get a black eye from a phone falling on his sleeping face.

However, he soon became very possessive of the phone, and would berate me for "stealing" it. He would half-heartedly sleep-yell, "Mah PHONE" as I attempted to lift the phone.

Even though "Mah PHONE" amused me to no end, I tried to just let it be. He'd fall asleep, and Mah PHONE would end up buried in the bed, or it would careen into his forehead. It was mostly funny.

However, things really escalated with the arrival of the Kindle. That sucker is bigger than Mah PHONE, and with a world of books at his fingertips, My Guy is even more likely to try to read with his eyes closed. This means that he's even crabbier about me "stealing" it when he's "just resting and gonna read more."

In the spirit of Christmas, things have escalated as of late.

The other day, as we settled into bed, My Guy mentioned off-handedly, "If you try to steal my Kindle tonight, Imma punch you in the fallopian tube."

About 3 minutes later, he was asleep, with the Kindle perched on his chest. I didn't touch it. However, about 2 minutes after that, he snorted himself awake, batted his arms about ... and managed to knock my book into my face.

Obviously, it's now on like Donkey Kong. Our bed is a battlefield.

I threaten to steal the Kindle. He just looks at me and says, "I'll punch you in the tube."

I can't sleep when he's not here.

Ours is a love that is true.

8 comments:

Jenny Hart Boren said...

This is NO WAY dissing your happy marriage or your adorable mate, but every night I go to sleep, comfortable, cozy and quiet in my OWN yummy bed. There may be an occasional lonely moment, but I find it's like not buying ice cream--if I don't have it in the freezer, I don't think about it too much.

cookingwithgas said...

Yep happy.

Heather Nelson said...

I'm pretty sure the original song was "Our Bed is a Battlefield" before Pat Benatar changed it to Love.

Men - can't live with them, can't kill them...and now I guess we can't lay hands on their electronics.

Becky said...

The older I get and the more I stay married, the more I see the wisdom & appeal of separate beds like the TV shows of the 1950's.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Yeah, the Kindle knocking anyone else in the head is grounds for some kind of fortress of pillows. Or a second bed.
I would love my own bedroom.

Rainbow Motel said...

I used to read in bed and now I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep after a paragraph. Mr. Motel has a tad more energy, but typically can be found after a bit with his book spread out on his chest. "Punch you in the tube" is hilarious.

Cassi Renee said...

Hmmm . . . wait until he gets an iPad! He'll have forehead bruises :-)

I've often thought that separate beds would solve certain issues (say, snoring, and I'm not saying whose), but my husband refuses. He seems to see it as some how very important, that we share a bed for the four hours our sleep overlaps (I'm in bed by 10, up by 6. He's in bed by 2, up by 10).

smalltownme said...

I sleep in the marital bed until the snoring wakes me, and then I go toss and turn in the guest room. It doesn't seem fair.