I had a super-awesome idea in mid-November. Things were going great, and I kind of decided to see what would happen if I went halvesies with my anti-depressant.
Yeah, I did this on my own. No, I wouldn't recommend it.
Everything was shiny and great until My Life Partner Zoloft really got outta my system. Then, everything was hard. Except I'm so dumb that I didn't make the connection. I just thought, "Oh, the holidays are really stressful. Oh, everybody feels like they have a hoarder's filing cabinet on their chest all the time. Oh, it's totally normal to see trouble finishing a quilt for a Christmas gift as a reflection of your complete inadequacy as a human being."
Sigh.
This is why I haven't been blogging much. I've been wondering why the hell everything has been so difficult. And then I realized that duh, maybe I shouldn't have cut back on the Zoloft, even if I feel like I must be 87 years old because I take a bunch of prescription meds. And then I got more Zoloft, and started to feel better, and here we are.
I've been on an anti-depressant since 2008. I kind of hate it. But I like it way better than how I feel without it. I've never considered myself a depressed person, but in retrospect? It's not normal to have periods where you make peace with letting all your plants die because you just can't face watering them. Actually, "making peace" is too active ... it was more "feigning benign acceptance."
Whatever it was, it wasn't fun, and it wasn't healthy.
So, My Life Partner Zoloft and I are reunited, and it feels so OK.
I did manage to kvetch about jewelry store holiday ads here. And if it's 1 thing a new year is good for, it's positive intent. So, my intent is to get back in the writing saddle. Even though I have a general dislike of horses that is more "hate" than "feigned benign acceptance."
But writing. Yeah. I'll do that.
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6 comments:
I feel you, friend. I accidentally went off zoloft for my OCD when I got CMV in October and couldn't stop puking. Haven't been on it since and I think it's time again. The ADHD works against me in this, since I suck at taking pills regularly.
You rock that feigned benign acceptance Chacha!
I've done the self-prescribed dose reduction and/or stopping antidepressants completely. So much fun.
Not currently taking any antidepressants. My latest foray was with prozac, which didn't sit well with me. Actually increased my anxiety. Currently trying to manage the anxiety/melancholy/neurosis (totally relating to your not finishing the quilt reflecting on your entire self-worth) with exercise, yoga, journaling, meditation, but have mostly decided this is a chronic condition I have and am open to any and all treatments, including anti-depressants, as needed.
If been taking AD's for 17 years. My psychiatrist is my most lasting long-term relationship! It's a vicious cycle--if I forget to take my meds, I'm more forgetful which leads to forgetting my meds again, and so on. I have to keep them in an "old-lady/your week in pills" container on the kitchen counter by (on) the coffeemaker because coffee is the one thing I will never forget.
For me it's an anti-anxiety med, and I'm too scared to cut the dose or stop taking it. :-)
Honestly, my life is so much better for it.
I'm so glad you're back, and so sorry to hear what you've ben going through. Boy, our minds can be our worst enemies, can they not? Nice that you've learned from the experiment that you were most likely on the right track all along. Now you know and you can write for us all you want. We'll be so appreciative!
Hey, I'm glad you're leveling out and finding that spot where you know you function best.
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