Thursday, January 5, 2017

Why dogs can't be trusted but you also shouldn't cross them because they are organized.

If you're like me, you ate your weight in sugar over the last month. And, it's safe to say that your pants don't fit. And you generally get in trouble for going out in public not wearing pants. So you resolve to stop eating sugar straight from the bag. And you resolve to start moving your body again in ways that aren't merely moving food from a plate into your gaping maw.

If you're not like me, now is not the time to talk about how you actually lost weight over the holidays or how much you love CrossFit. Go sit in the corner.

So, it is time to get more exercise. And I've tried. I really have. But in the midst of a modest workout, I uncovered a vast conspiracy, one that extends well past my corner of the world. An especially shady syndicate, if you will.

I'm talking about The Canine Yoga Cartel.

Here's the deal. I have written before about how my dogs lose their minds when I attempt to do yoga at home. I get stepped on.
And stood over.
And barked at for not throwing the Kong.
And, because the winter air is especially dry and Lil' Frankfurter's skin is especially delicate? I've been surrounded by blood from his cracked lil' paws.

(No photo of this - and you're welcome. The latest bloody paw incident left our rec room looking like a crime scene. For such a tiny dog, he really bleeds a lot.)

So, as I was prone on the floor, being barked at and surrounded by blood, I thought, "It's almost like they don't want me to do yoga."

How had it taken me so long to realize this?

Big Doodle and Lil' Frank are clearly trying to disrupt my Zen and discourage me from doing yoga in our home. It's almost like they want me to do yoga ... elsewhere.

And then it all clicked!

This is Olive.
She is a connoisseur of large sticks.
If it's less than four feet long, get the eff out.
Olive also governs my neighborhood yoga studio with an iron paw.

Sure, in theory her mom Patti has the studio. But we all know who runs the show. I mean, look at these sticks. Olive means business.
You can't tell me that Lil' Frank, Big Doodle, Olive, and all the other dogs aren't in cahoots. Clearly, this Canine Yoga Cartel is working to increase visits to Olive's yoga studio. I'm guessing Olive collects sticks on her daily walks so she can use them to pay off members of the syndicate who send their humans to her studio.

My dogs probably get kickbacks in the form of tennis balls, since they aren't really into sticks.

But whatever arrangement these pooches have, it's working. I'm a strong woman, but I'm no match for a canine cartel. And I'm pretty sure that even if I put up a baby gate and do yoga on one side with the dogs on the other, Lil' Frank will still bark his head off and leave me an assortment of bodily fluids to clean up.

I will go to the yoga studio and I will practice with my like-minded peeps. We will work on our ujjayi breath and try to focus while our minds invariably wander. We'll think about our dogs and their strange yoga-related behaviors. We won't mention them to anyone else, lest we look like bad parents who didn't train their pups properly. But we'll all be in the same boat, adrift with a vague unease that something is amiss. It's almost like those dogs are ... planning something ...

8 comments:

Common Household Mom said...

The Yoga Master Dog Olive with those giant sticks made me laugh out loud!

I am always suspicious of dogs...

Becky Brown said...

Isn't she the best? I'm a little bit obsessed with her.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Olive is awesome and clearly your dogs are in cahoots with the canine yoga master. I'd like to blame my dog for my broken ankle but while I thought I was stepping on him, and therefore quickly switched feet, hence putting down an unprepared foot...er, ankle... which caused it to break into smithereens, in all honesty Moses was outside and did not know I was going to take him for a walk. So I can't blame him. Unless he actually planned it all because I didn't walk him as often as he liked, in which case I can blame him for using mind control over my lame brain, causing my lameness to this day. Dogs and crime scenes: the mystery continues.
Moses also prefers very large sticks, but he bows to Olive's superior choices.

Kari Wagner said...

Dogs are evil like this.
It's their plan to get you to eat a donut.
And share half of it.

Andrea said...

Downward dog, indeed!

Patti said...

The secret is out. The dogs are indeed in on this. I have been paying kickbacks to the dogs for years to get people into the yoga studio. It's nothing though, compared to the cats who live to lie down on the mat under any Down Dog that is done and shed profusely all over the mat. That costs me plenty.
And Olive is ridiculously proud to be featured in Becky's blog. :-)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You knew her name HAD to be Olive. It's perfect.
And I hope the studio experience is, too. Much better to do yoga in good company.

Becky said...

My dog is always plotting to get me to take her to her friend Oreo and Moxley's house at happy hour. It's not such a bad plot, but probably not as good for me as yoga.