Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I need to be alone with The Sandwich.

It was so unfair for me to promise to dish on the The World’s Best Sandwich on Monday … and then not even post at all.

I am so, so sorry, all of you three readers. I will personally make you The Sandwich to make up for it.

But the truth? The truth is that Monday at Corporate Behemoth made me think of nothing but the lolcat with the cat getting a bath and the caption “DO. NOT. WANT.”

I was exhausted. I was so exhausted that I went home and put on sweat pants.

Not yoga pants. Not cute fleece pants. Sweat pants. With the saggy ass and the elastic at the ankles.

I ate The Sandwich. Then I took a bath and realized that my water heater is on its very last legs. Then, I went to bed. At 10.

I haven’t been to bed by 10 p.m. since about the third grade.

If you have any swell ideas about non-Corporate Behemoth things that I should do for a living, please leave a comment.

In exchange, I offer you The World’s Best Sandwich.

Make yourself two slices of wheat bread toast. It’s important that it’s toast – you need the crunchiness that only toast can provide.

Then, get some Skippy Extra Crunchy peanut butter. Accept no substitutes. Must be Skippy. Must be Extra Crunchy. Trust me.

Put a thick layer of the peanut butter on one piece of toast. Then, pile on thick slices of tomato. The homegrown tomatoes that all of your neighbors are desperately trying to pawn off right now are ideal. This is truly the best time of year to be a vegetable mooch.

So, pile on those thick tomato slices and lick the juice off your wrist. Sprinkle the tomatoes with a very liberal application of black pepper.

Then, smear another healthy dose of peanut butter on the other piece of toast. If you like, you can also smoosh some red onion slices into the peanut butter, but this is optional.

Then, combine the two peanut-buttertastic pieces of toast to create your glorious sandwich. Go sit on your couch with a paper towel, the sandwich, and your remote control. Watch a DVRed episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter while you enjoy the delicious, juicy bounty that is a peanut butter and tomato sandwich.

The end.


Saucy said...

Actually, that sandwich sounds sort of good. Pretty sorta good! Tomato and PB? The onion threw me but I can see where you're coming from, what with the pepper and all.

... salt?

Anonymous said...

I've never considered that combination before...so intriguing!

Linda Summerfield Crispell said...

I see you doing book signings with Sarah Vowell and David Sedaris. You could be a very successful writer, you have the most entertaining blog!!! Perhaps a chef is not your calling, I would only eat that sandwich to induce vomiting after eating toxic mushrooms.

Jennifer said...

I can't believe you eat PB and tomato sandwiches. My mom used to send one with us in our lunch boxes which resulted in vast amounts of ridicule in the cafeteria. PB and tomato - are you kidding me?!?!?!

I still eat them. You know what makes them really good? Add some crispy bacon. Yum. Yum.