Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Working girl.

I was walking back to the office after lunch with my friend Dorothy. The sun was shining and it was a lovely afternoon. And I turned to her and exclaimed, "I came to work today! And I sat at my desk for three hours! I should totally get an award. And then go home."

Because yes, it does feel like a major accomplishment. I didn't get an award, and I stayed. I stayed late. I left at 6, which I am no longer classifying as normal, because I am attempting to have a healthy attitude about work. I stayed because there were things to do and ... it occurred to me that it didn't matter how late I stayed. I could stay all night. At least I would be doing something productive instead of skulking about my house in my bathrobe.

But I came home. I made a fried egg sandwich and ate it while reading Entertainment Weekly (subtitle: The magazine you read while you're doing something else!"). And I'm doing laundry.

These are things I know to be true:
  • Being alone is not reason to be a workaholic.

  • However I chose to spend my time is worthwhile.

  • I am worthwhile.

  • Work is not the only option.

  • I am so lonely I could spit.


But it's a weird lonely. It's a "please don't call me and expect me to talk to you" lonely. It's an introspective lonely, a lonely that pines away for one particular person. And it's also a "This is my very first day back at work and therefore my very first post-work night post-Mr. Wonderful" lonely.

I'm getting my Halloween costume ready - I'm going to be a tattoo artist. And I am making a list of things I want in my life. And I'm reading a book about work / life balance - a post-break-up gift from Mr. Wonderful (I know ... ).

So it's not like I'm in the fetal position, rocking and moaning. But I am ... sad. I'm just sad. One of my dear friends said today she's waiting for me to be mad. Not now. I was mad yesterday. And then it was gone, and I just missed him so much it hurt.

28 comments:

Green Girl said...

Hey, so glad you posted today. You've been on my brain. Glad work was good--productivity is a helpful release.

I like that you're making a list of plans. When I had my bad break up back in '93, a friend told me to make a list of what I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. I turned all my energy to completing that list and you know what? I did. And then I made a new list for the next decade (in progress still--what? I have 3 years still...)
All those feelings are healthy--recognizing them is even healthier. Tattoo artist? You MUST post a photo.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

I remember that type of loneliness well.

Work will help take your mind off and writing about it helps too.

Keep writing, we'll be here to listen.

Madge said...

oh the lonely is so hard. keep posting ok? keep going to work. one day at a time... you will start to feel better. but it takes forever. just forever.

Sister Three said...

Cha Cha, please don't think any emotion you have isn't a valid one. It's okay to be sad, to be lonely, to grieve the end of this relationship with Mr-Used-To-Be-Wonderful and his Ladybug. Keep writing -- it'll help and the folks who read your blog care about you.

Mrs. G. said...

Does Mr. Wonderful read this blog? Because if so, I think you should start posting about that handsome Italian guy you shagged over the weekend. Remember? I think you said his name was Massimo?

Keep writing. It will keep you sane.

Saucy said...

I think a tattoo artist is a great idea for a costume! That's funny!

Beverly said...

I have felt like that. I hope you will be patient with yourself. Eventually, you'll get used to feeling the way you do. The change you have gone through will start to feel normal. Then with even more time, you can feel happy again.
I wish you well.

Katie said...

Just over from Mrs. G's place.

What you need is a little Bridget Jones Diary (1&2) Make ya laugh, make ya cry. Make ya feel better about life in general.

Wish I had fabulous words of wisdom but all I can think of is 'this too shall pass'.

Keep your chin up sister! And keep writing!

Blue Mountains Mary said...

I'm here from Mrs G too....

we all feel your pain, we've all been there - it is bloody awful ....

Little steps. little steps.

Blog Princess G said...

Hi Cha Cha... I feel for you, I really do. What I can say is is this: even though I'm old enough and experienced enough to know that we all survive heartbreak, even though it's hard to imagine, it never seems to hurt any less.

My advice is: take one day at a time. In time, the hurt will ease. Be gentle with yourself... give yourself some real breaks to be human, vulnerable... don't beat up on yourself, and spoil yourself as much as possible.

Nancy said...

Via Mrs G's

(((hugs)))
Nothing gets me through these times better that g'friends / sisters ... ice cream and living/looking good.

The looking good DOES help you but mostly it's the sweet revenge when he sees you again.

you gotta wonder said...

Found you through Mrs. G. My suggestion - let yourself mourn but don't lose sight of the big picture. You are awesome and worth better than he could offer. Don't doubt it.

Lots of great suggestions for you on Mrs. G's post.

jennie said...

I'm over here from Mrs. G's as well...

I'd highly recommend getting an audio book (Evening Star was mine) and listening to it while you go for long walks - at least 45 at a stretch. I think the audio book is 13 or 14 hours long, it's filled with good characters and smooth words. It keeps your interest enough to keep you moving, and moving each day until it's done. It's distracting and enjoyable at the same time. And before you know it, you're feeling stronger and taking deeper breaths.

it worked for me.

Rachelle said...

Very smart to keep yourself from turning to work as a replacement. It only helps short-term.

After a bad breakup of my own, I started being a wicked overachiever. It went on for probably two months, while I was getting my head straight. But by the time I started to feel less isolated, my boss had become used to me working 70 hours a week.

When I started to slow down and get back in touch with my life, and scaled work back to about 50 hours per week, I got a lot of negative attention of the "You just don't seem very committed" sort.

I ended up having to leave my job, because I'd raised expectations way beyond reality.

Keep your chin up. You have people cheering for you. Perfect strangers, even!

LaDue & Crew said...

Hi, I walked over from Mrs G's place... I wanted to just give a {{{hug}}}. Your heart will be lighter soon. Take care ;o)

Mommy2Twinkies-Deb said...

Oh Cha Cha I'm so sorry. I think you need to go find a lovely Massimo to flirt with. I know it's hard to move on.

Lisa Milton said...

Massimo? I like.

Over from Mrs. G's and sighing a sad sigh with you.

If I knew you better, I'd say this too will pass.

Instead, I am just hoping the sadness lifts soon.

Minnesota Matron said...

Sweetie - the Matron has been so busy she hasn't been out much, so she didn't know. Hang in there. Better to be alone than in the wrong relationship! I've been there, too. Sometimes all we need is time and the knowledge that good friends stick around.

i am very mary said...

OMG, YOU SERIOUSLY MUST GO TO THIS SITE:

http://www.poopsenders.com/

Let me know how that works out because I have some serious vendettas and heartache that I think can be solved with a little gorilla dung.

PS - This is why Mrs. G keeps me around.

The Girl Next Door said...

Found you, too from MRs. G and am going through a long divorce which will HOPEFULLY be over this Friday. But I am reaching out to you to say YOU DO MATTER and you DO ROCK. and the loneliness will pass for moments at a time and then sneak up on you like a nasty bully in the dark. And at that moment you reach back to your bloggy buddies and know that YOU DO MATTER and YOU DO ROCK. Keep the faith...

kate5kiwis said...

hello gorgeous,
(hopped over from mrs.g's too)
love your blog title!
i'm so sorry that you are going through all this. and i'm so sorry that i have no helpful words for you (cos i'm still with the first man i loved) but i am guessing Bridget Jones and huge amounts of Tip Top Cookies and Cream icecream - it's a New Zealand thang - probably stolen from the USofA - would be a little bit helpful....
or maybe a luffly long run on the beach??
i make stuff when i'm feeling naff.

anyway, much love and sunshine to you,
katie X

Miriam said...

There's a particular type of loneliness that feels right

I don't know whether you're there. I hope so. I hope being alone, and introspective, makes you happier and progressively more whole until you can call him "The Idiot Who Dumped ME" instead of mr. wonderful.

P.S. Mrs. G sent me too.

distracted by shiny objects said...

Hello, by way of Derfwad Manor...after my divorce I read "A Country Year" by Sue Hubbell about HER divorce and listened to music by Eddie Daniels. In fact, I've have to try that therapy more than once since then. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other and one day, without thinking about it, you'll look around and find yourself far from this painful day. I promise.

JCK said...

I'm sent by Mrs. G, who is the loveliest of lovelies - as I know you must be for moving her to write about you.

Keep writing. See girlfriends. Eat decadent foods. Drink cocktails. Talk infinitely. Write more. And try something new in your life. Maybe a writing course? A pottery class?

Sending good thoughts.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I've come over from Derfwad Manor to give you a cyber hello and hug!

Please post a photo of your Halloween costume. OMG. How much fun are you? Fun!

Keep writing! And do tell us about the Italian Stallion to whom Mrs. G. refers in her comment. Oh, please.

TL said...

By way of Mrs. G - hang in there, and keep your chin up!
Make plans, do things, enjoy what you enjoy - BE SELFISH! Roll in it - wallow in it - eat it - drink it - sleep in it! It is okay to feel every thing you do. And there is not a set time-frame to get over it. We all have lost loves that remain in our hearts. That reminds us that we have them.

Magic27 said...

Just to say hang in there - warm wishes for happiness from the south of France.
Plus - I've just read your profile and discovered that I'm not the only Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond fan under the age of 60 on this planet! Your taste in music ROCKS!
For your sadness, I would recommend watching Neil Diamond's "The Jazz Singer" (if nothing else for Laurence Olivier's horrible Jewish-NYC accent!). Oh, the tears will flow, but it's SO worth it!

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