The final countdown!

T-minus 44 hours!

The parents are here. The last-minute details are being addressed. And holy crap, we're getting married on Saturday.

Yippee!

We aren't having any attendants - I figured it was a gift I could give my friends. However, I think there will be one rogue attendant.

Most people think of this when they hear the term "flower frog."

But I think at our wedding, the term will conjure something more like this.

!Viva la Krampus!

Non-Krampus image courtesy of replacements.com, which is an awesome site if you love some vintage tableware. Seriously.

Hop along.

The Good.

The new house is starting to come together. We've decided to postpone rehabbing the second floor, which means we can afford to refinish the floors on the main floor. Which we are getting for cheap from a reputable source. !Viva la hardwoods!

The Bad.

Every single surface in the new house requires extensive cleaning, two coats of Kilz, and three coats of paint.

My hands are devoid of skin and smell like PineSol. My dreams of being a hand model are completely dashed.

Everybody's getting a little crotchety, especially the dogs.

The Ugly.

We're all trying to maintain a sense of home in the upheaval, even with the labradoodles at my house and realizing that random stuff - like cooking spray and paper towels - are at Not The House You're Currently At.

Yes, I know that ended with a preposition. And I don't care.

We're all trying to keep it together, but Foxie Doxie expressed his frustrations in a poignant way last night.

He peed on the bed.

I believe in Dogspeak, this means, "This is my bed, bitches! Mine!"

So, yeah. It ain't pretty. But we keep on keepin' on.

The Glorious.

While civil unrest rules at Casa de Cha Cha? Krampus the Christmas Frog is living it up.

He celebrated the Iowa Hawkeye bowl win.

And he's been chillin' with some new friends.

I also understand that he and his posse survived a shih tzu attack. Don't worry - Krampus lives to ribbit another day!

All images courtesy of my mama. Who is awesome. Obviously.

I used to be a blogger.

I don't even know where to begin.

So, we got our house. And we knew it was dirty, right? But I had no idea that it would take me three days to clean the kitchen.

Not kidding. Three days.

Or that the lime-green paint in the bathroom was some weird paint so that when I painted over it and pulled up the painter's tape? My paint pulled up with the tape.

And I had no idea that Lady Doodle would have massive diarrhea in my house. Or after her recovery, Lil' Frankfurter would pick up the torch with vomiting and diarrhea. And I certainly didn't anticipate that I would also puke my guts out, either from the power of suggestion or from an ulcer.

Yeah, I barfed. Wouldn't three houses and four poopy dogs make you sick to your stomach?

The great thing about my partnership with My Guy is that we take turns FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. This has been my week. And I've really done a bang-up job, if I do say so myself.

I woke up yesterday thinking, "No, no thank you. I don't care to move or get married or take care of two new dogs or interact with any human - including My Guy - ever again. I don't wish anybody ill, I'm just ... done. I'm all set. Thanks for asking."

But then I peeled myself out of bed and poured more anti-nausea meds down Lil' Frank's throat. I almost forgot that the pup was so upset at the vet that he'd literally shat on my person.

And then I went to Corporate Behemoth. And I guess I still have multiple houses and a fiance and a wedding date and four dogs. And it's OK.

In other news? Remember when Banjo asked, "Where was Krampus in all of this?"

Oh, Krampus the Christmas Frog. Of course he made an appearance during the holidays. Several appearances, actually.

This was my favorite.

Hey - a frog's gotta do what a frog's gotta do.

And yes, everything is about poop.

Hard-hitting Easter news coverage.

Oh, so much to report!

My sweet mama worked with the Easter Bunny so that Poochie and I had Easter baskets a week early. Evidently, the Easter Bunny understood my only-yellow-Post-Its lament. Behold the colorful array of adhesive notes!

Note, too, the design with the dachshund looking into a pool. They say, "Once that wiener hits the pool it's gonna shrink up to nothin'." Ha!

I wasn't the only one celebrating Easter. The holiday means resurrection, eggs ... and singing frogs.

Before Easter, Krampus went to church to help set the altar - like any good Episcopal amphibian would.

He practiced singing in the choir.

And then he picked up some new shoes to complement his Easter ensemble.
But all of that running (hopping?) made for one exhausted Krampus. The holidays are stressful, and a smart frog is a frog who takes care of himself.

Yes, that's Krampus on a massage table. Of course. Ahh.

And really? How awesome is my mom? Seriously.

Going to pot.

Iron Needles made a funny comment about my former elementary school being turned into apartments for seniors:

I cannot get out of my mind the seniors using the restrooms with the little shorty commodes!

Dude, I know.

But! My elementary school was built in 1912. There were only two bathrooms in the entire building - one for boys and one for girls. These loos were on opposite sides of the basement - a basement that was split down the middle by a huge boiler room. And this boiler room was, of course, pretty well lined with asbestos insulation.

Anyway. So, it was a three-story building, right? With high ceilings and transom windows above the doors and what seemed like very steep staircases. And let me tell you - if you were in class on the third floor, you had to really, really need to hit the little girls' room before you walked all the way downstairs and then climbed all the way back up.

As for the mini-johns?

I don't recall them being shorties. Which is really too bad. Because I love the idea of the seniors using the shortie johns, too. Nevermind the fact that they gutted the building and I imagine each apartment has, you know, its own bathroom.

No, it's much better to think of the elderly sitting on a mini john and being unable to get up. Because there's one toilet on my floor at Corporate Behemoth that's maybe an inch shorter than the others. And every time I sit on it, I'm surprised and think I've gotten taller. And then I realize it's harder to get back up, especially if my quads are screaming from doing Shred with Jillian Michaels.

Luckily for Krampus, frogs don't use public restrooms. Especially not frogs with batteries in their bellies.

However, Krampus did take a tour of my past educational haunts.

Here he is lounging outside of my junior high.
And here? My high school. The tree that Krampus has so carefully climbed?
It wasn't there when I was in school. Speaking of elderly ...

Deflect! Deflect!

So, the blogging?

It has been a bit, eh, thin as of late.

I’ve been waiting for the Zoloft to kick in. And all the stuff that I desperately want to write about, the stuff that’s feeling like the busload of tourists that I’m pulling with my teeth, a la the World’s Strongest Man competition?

Well, it’s Corporate Behemoth. And I can’t really talk about it. Which sucks.

So, let’s pretend I just told you allll about it. And now you can be all, “Oh, noshedidnot!” and “But you’re the best editor in the entire galaxy!” And I will continue to wear dog-hair-encrusted sweatpants and rock back and forth and everyone wins. M’kay?

No?

OK, how about this? Corporate Behemoth is now only stocking the plain yellow Post-Its (why? color is so important!), but Krampus the Christmas Frog is living it up. So let’s talk about him instead.

Krampus checked the mail. And then he visited the restored fancypants house up the street. You know, the one with the statue the nekkid lady? The nekkid lady that they cover with a freakin’ sheet, because it’s Iowa and – no, she isn’t cold – we’ve never seen nekkid bodies and it isn’t right even if it is so-called art?
Yeah. Krampus is really excited that the ice and snow caused some sheet slippage. Pervy little frog.

Next up? Krampus revisits my childhood and discovers public transportation. Stay tuned!

Hop to it.

Krampus the Christmas Frog? He's really growing as an individual. My mom sent me new pics over the last few days ... and Krampus is totally trying new hobbies.

Ham radio?

Listen for Kilo-Radio-Alpha-Mary-Papa-Uniform-Sierra.

Quilting?

Just be careful you don't get your scarf - or flipper - caught in the machine.

And model railroading?
Well, our little Krampus is obviously a man about town ... and the rail yard.

Is it sad that Krampus' life is way more interesting than mine?

My mom is brilliant.

While I've been sitting on my ass, waiting for the Zoloft to kick in, I've been receiving certain e-mails.

From my mother.

Remember Krampus?

Yes. Everybody's favorite dancing frog family mascot is on the loose. See, whenever I leave my parents' house, I inevitably forget something. I think it's my mom's way of insuring that I will return. At Christmas? Well, I forgot Krampus.

I know. I feel horrible. I had a cold. He blended in with the Christmas decorations. I am a terrible parent. I have no excuse.

So, lately? Krampus has gotten sick of sitting on his ass, waiting for me to get off my ass and come get him.

I guess my parents' living room gets dull after a while. The frog is now on some sort of walkabout. And I am the lucky recipient of his vacation photos. This one makes me think of "Gonna fly now" from Rocky.

This one made me nervous.

And with good reason. This next photo accompanied an e-mail that simply said, "Ohhhhh ... shhhhiiiiii ... "

Any bets on where Krampus will end up next? I just hope he has the good sense not to end up in Vegas, married to a waitress.

Get yo' holiday on.

The lovely Callee tagged me for a meme. After the heavy post yesterday, it's about damn time for something a little more festive.

1. Have you started your Christmas shopping? Define "started."

2. Tell me about your special traditions. Last year, we started drawing names for gag gifts, and that's how Krampus the Christmas Frog came into my life. I've been plotting all year.

3. When do you put up your tree? The first weekend in December.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper? Hell to the no. Those people are nuts.

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay home? I go to Iowa to my folks' house.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory? This isn't necessarily a Christmas memory, but one year, we flew to Arizona to see my grandparents for the holidays. After a very, very long day in airports, my then 4-year-old brother conked out in the Phoenix airport and slept through the car ride and being tucked in at our grandparents'. The next morning, we awoke in their guest room and Poochie looked at me in wonder. "Cha Cha, where ARE we?" He remembered nothing of the previous day.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time? I think I've beaten this topic to death.

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking? What is your favorite treat? I love to bake and used to send out tins of various treats. However, this is one of the busiest times at Corporate Behemoth, so baking isn't usually in the cards. However, I do love raw sugar cookie dough.

9. Fake or real tree? I am very careful to pick a really nice tree out of my basement every year. I'm pretty consistent with my awesome trees.

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done? The night before I'm supposed to leave to go to Iowa. Yes, I tend to put off wrapping and packing.

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve? No. I'm at mass. But Christmas Eve Eve? You betcha.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas? Sledding. And watching Trading Places.

13. What Christmas craft do you like best? Craft? Uh ... eating carbs?

14. Christmas music, yes or no? And if yes, what is your favorite song? I like Christmas music, but only after about December 10. My favorite hymn is Silent Night. My favorite secular Christmas song is (sorry Patti) Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

15. When do you plan to finish all your shopping? Uh ... hopefully this weekend.

16. Do you know the names of all of Santa’s reindeer {without googling it}? Lemme see ... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen ... and Rudolph. Am I close?

17. When do you take down your Christmas tree? New Year's Day, while watching football.

18. Hardest person to buy for? Lil' Frankfurter. What do you buy a dog who eats everything?

19. Easiest person to buy for? The family I adopted for Christmas. Because they give you a list. Also, because I always adopt a family with an itty bitty baby, and that's just fun.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? It's a snowflake star thing that I'm actually not that fond of. However, it has the Geriatric Poodle's collar around it, and that's very special to me.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Parking. The. Car.

22. What do you want for Christmas? A blender. With margaritas in it.

C'mon ... you know you wanna play along. Copy and paste the questions into your blog ... then spread some Christmas cheer by leaving a link back to Heather, the originator of this meme. She’ll even go back and add your link to the list if you participate.

Also ... you know you wanna enter my fab giveaway. This is a seriously good prize. Just tell me your dream holiday movie sequel and it could be yours!