I've been having a lot of dreams lately about my house. In one, I dreamt that I discovered that I owned the house next door - who knew? And in another, I dreamt that my house had a finished basement. Evidently, you can live in a house for two years and not discover all of the living space. Stranger things have happened.
My therapist (shrink? counselor? that lady who has to listen to me run my mouth?) suggested that it's all a metaphor for discovering the new places within me and beginning to own my emotions.
Today while we were visiting, I went off on a random tangent and really surprised myself.
I am MAD.
Like, seriously pissed off.
Now, I come from a long line of women who Don't Make a Fuss. Don't ask too much - don't be greedy. You can get what you want, but you have to do the work behind the scenes, not blatantly in the open. And if you really want to talk about not making a fuss, my grandma never wore an apron but could prepare dinner for 20 and then step out of the kitchen, perfectly pressed and not a hair astray.
I was the girl who got the evil eye for using the term "slut" at grandma's dinner table. (What? I didn't realize it was a bad word.) And somehow, I joined Team Don't Make a Fuss. Sadly, I didn't quite grasp the "no hair astray" part. But I strive to be poised and kind and not make waves.
And now? Now, I'm mad as hell.
I'm mad at the way The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful treated me. I'm mad about The Ladybug in ways that I'm too much of a lady to go into here. I'm mad that I put up with all of it. I'm mad that it's been four months and I'm still mad. I'm mad that I am still figuring it all out. I'm mad that I lost my boyfriend and then my dog died. I'm mad that I left a bottle of Patron at Ex-Wonderful's house.
I'm not so much hurt anymore, which is refreshing. I'm just ... angry. And it scares me, because Don't Make a Fuss means not acknowledging anger. But I am. And, like an exotic ingredient on Iron Chef, I have to figure out what to do with it.
I was once so blind with rage at Ex-Ex that I actually considered ramming my car in the car of his ladyfriend. Of course, what I really did was call BFF, cry for 10 minutes, and then go to a yoga class. So, obviously, I am DANGEROUS.
But I guess the real task at hand is acknowledging the anger and then channeling it in a productive way. But the acknowledgement? It is work.
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10 comments:
1. I think Team Don't Make a Fuss should be renamed Team I'm gonna have an Ulcer Someday IMHO
2. I would be pissed if I left a bottle of Patron at an ex's house too!
I understand the anger. It's hard to look at the past and rationalize who did "what" and "why". But I also know that there's not one thing you can do today that is going to change yesterday. Please don't let him take any more of your tomorrow's. You are too precious a person to lose to a bad nightmare. You are loved now by many, and your future will have many gifts. I know it will. {{{hugs}}}
I love the Iron Chef reference.
It's good to be ANGRY!
I grew up with Team Express Every Emotion You Have Every Moment You Have It!!!!
That has it's own downsides.
:)
Remember a friend will bail you out of jail, a real friend will be sitting beside you saying damn that was fun. You need any help . . .give me a shout out.
Hang in there girl. Oh, and it is good to own your own emotions.
It sounds like progress. Keep it up.
Yes, it is work. But worth it. Channel it well!
I also learned recognizing my anger, and being able to channel it? Not a vaccination. I can still get mad about stuff.
Darn it.
Great work channeling the anger forward! I think Not Making A Fuss is overrated.
Hey, good for you that you're pissed! That's one more stage of grief (ala Kubler Ross) that you've moved through. Acceptance (and healing) is just around the corner!!
Can you rent a jackhammer from Home Depot?It's very cathartic.
I have recurring dreams about rooms that don't exist in our house, I get all revved up about decorating them in my dream. Completely sucks when I wake up.
1. Yay for using the term shrink. I actually asked mine if he gets offended that I call him that. Yep. I'm nuts
2. I found your blog shortly after the breakup and now i've had my own sort of breakup and I plan on going back and re reading your posts. You sound kinda like me. and you might be brilliant.
I do the whole angry thing so I don't have to be sad for as long. it's easier to be mad. WAY easier. and it's easier to pretend it doesn't hurt if i'm mad.
-Molly
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