Thursday, July 2, 2009

Today's lesson.

First, God created Woman. And it was good.

But then Woman realized she needed companionship. So God created dogs. The dogs and Woman walked every day and cuddled together at night. And it was good.

But then the dogs started killing stuff in the yard and cornering possums. And Woman realized that she could use some assistance with varmint removal. Also, Woman's back was really dry, and she needed someone with opposable thumbs to put lotion on her scaly skin.

Woman needed a man. But not really needed. Just sorta, recreationally needed.

So God brought her Mr. Interwebnets. And while that was fun for a bit, Mr. Interwebnets got all Jesusy, and when Woman told him to hit the road, he e-mailed her an article about finding safe people and using the Bible as a dating guide.

This annoyed even God. So God brought Woman comic relief in the form of Mr. I Want You To Want Me.

Mr. I Want You To Want Me e-mailed and texted Woman every day. Funny, light messages, links to silly videos. And it was good.

Except that Mr. I Want You To Want Me never asked Woman to do anything. He would send a series of messages asking about her plans, noting that he didn't have any himself ... and then would leave it at that. This, after two dates. Two good dates.

This angered God. And because He is a vengeful God, He bestowed upon Woman the realization that Mr. I Want You To Want Me is a twit. And it was good.

But dark forces, much like the possum, entered Woman's world. Creepy Stalker Guy sent her a text that read, "Will you go out with me tomorrow night so that I don't have to go on another match.com first date?"

Woman wanted to hurl. But instead, she vowed that good would triumph over evil.

For further study:
What should Woman do about Creepy Stalker Guy?
Should Woman tell Mr. I Want You To Want Me to move along? Or would God want her to continue to enjoy the electronic comic relief?

Extra credit:
Why are Woman's dogs so gasy? How does evil work through the gastric systems of dachshunds?

4 comments:

nestra said...

I think you should tell CPG not to contact you anymore. He obviously is not getting the message.

I'd kick Mr. IWYTWM to the curb but then again I have little patience for what I see as indecisiveness.

LaDue & Crew said...

CSG? Simple. Text him- "Go for the Match- my restraining order won't be as compatible".

The other dude is just way to wishy washy.

Damn, I wished you lived out here!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think you need to hook up with Lilith. hahaha.
As for the dog gas, I'm guessing it's not as foul as my husband's gas which means that you should hire a massage therapist to take care of your back scales and be done with men and stick to dogs.
KIDDING!

you gotta wonder said...

I have no good advice whatsoever, but between you and the Dallas Diva I am able to overlook the flaws of Mr. I'm-too-busy-to-take-care-of-the-dead-frog-before-the-killer-cat-starts-to-eat-it.

I can at least sympathize with the pets and their charming ways.