Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Be my own best friend.



One of the great things about spending a week sitting on your ass in the sun is that the ocean air clears things up a bit.

I'm not talking about skin. I actually am still sporting a lovely heat rash on my feet. It's like I have foot leprosy. Yay!

No, more like it clears up your brain. Or at least my brain. And my heart.

I had a bit of an epiphany. The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful? He hasn't changed.

Earlier, I had confused his apology with change. Now, apologizing is a good start. But it isn't the same as structural, foundational change. And without that sort of deep, serious change? Well, Ex-Wonderful isn't a good force in my world. He isn't a suitable partner, and we aren't capable of being friends.

This time of year has proven to be really difficult, because it's like revisiting the time when The Shit Came Down last year.

The night before I left for vacation, Lil' Frankfurter was so excited about my mom being in the house that he kept running from my bed to her and back again. In the midst of that ongoing ruckus, my sleep-deprived self realized that it was the Friday night of Labor Day weekend. And last year, the Friday night of Labor Day weekend? Ex-Wonderful mentioned as we were going to bed that we hadn't been getting along, and perhaps we should take a break.

I was wearing my pink nightgown. The sheets were blue.

I was shocked and hurt. And he announced that he was too tired to talk about it, and so he turned off the light and fell asleep ... while I literally cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I was shocked to find that he still expected me to go to a football game and act like everything was normal. It was like the ground was shifting beneath me and I couldn't steady myself.

These are the flashbacks I'm having.

I want to be a lady of grace and dignity. But the truth is, I don't forgive him. Not yet. Someday, yes. But not today. I don't forgive him for his narcissism and utter lack of respect for me as a human being. I don't forgive him for sending me a self-help book after we broke up because I'm such a fucked-up mess. And I certainly do not forgive him for hurting me so much that even a year later, I'm terrified of getting close to a good, kind, honest man who cares about me very much.

I'm angry.

But I'm also hoping that the ceremonial ripping off of the scab that was his apology will end up being the closure I maybe didn't have when we broke up. Because really? There's not a lot of closure to "I loved this man and we were going to get married and then he went batshit crazy."

But now I realize that he is not capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. And that's really too bad for him.

I kept thinking I saw him everywhere in my travels over the last two weeks. For a split second, I would stop breathing. And there were all these young families at the beach, and many of the kids were wearing these Crocs that had eyes and fins and looked like sharks. My gut reaction was that the Ladybug would love those shoes.

He kept telling me I wasn't good enough. If loving them this much wasn't enough, what would be?

Nothing.

And I guess that knowledge is a gift.

So, yet again, I'm still here. I'm trapped in autumn, which is currently like the shittiest section of Disneyland ever. It has attractions like:

  • The Maybe You Should Get a Personal Trainer Helpful Suggestion House of Mirrors
  • The Just Because I Only Vacuum Twice a Year Doesn't Mean I Won't Yell at You for Wearing Your Shoes on My Carpet Silly Silo
  • The Try to Please Me Even Though You Know It's Impossible Rigged Ring Toss
Like I said, I'm still working on that forgiveness bit.

Maybe tomorrow. But for now? I'm good.

8 comments:

Dorrie said...

Vacations are great that way. I am so glad you are feeling better. It sounds like you are one step closer to moving on with your life. Great song choice!

mel said...

I think I almost cried. I have recently starting going to therapy because apparently having a drunk, violent man for a father really screws with your head. Who knew?

Toss in a fucked up, emotionally manipulating slash controlling MIL and a pregnancy and the next thing you know you've booked a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.

This time of year usually clears my head though. And thank goodness because I'm thisclose to turning that imaginary stop light hack-n-slash into...well, you know.

I find myself having a lot of flashbacks these days. Of conversations past where I should have been better and stood up for myself, of MIL making me feel not good enough to be a good mother to my own daughter (the list goes on and on...argh) and it is hard.

Forgiveness is hard too. That's one thing I've learned. And another that I've accepted is that I don't have to be a forgiver all the time. I've been wronged and I need to allow myself the opportunity to own that feeling and knowledge. I don't have to be on a time table to let her shit go or to attempt a friendship with her. I have things that need to be said to her, for myself and for my daughter, but first I have to learn that I can do it on my own schedule and to hell with her until I get there.

I haven't quite gotten brave enough to air this laundry on my blog, but reading yours helps me. So, thank you for letting me be brave through you. I need to learn to by my own best friend again too.

I'm thinking of you today...

SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE said...

I think angry is good. I am very proud of you. You realized the truth of the whole situation. Good thing you had that vacation to clear you head and think properly. Hooray. Woo hoo.

You go girl. You are on your way.

Iron Needles said...

My best stuff is figuring out what is other people's crap, and what exactly is only mine to take care of.

Also I have heard (and also experienced) that sometimes it takes living through a whole years worth of seasons to really start being able to live with the memories.

Sometimes my best lessons in life have hurt deeply. Doesn't help. Just is.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh honey--forgiveness will come in time. Don't beat yourself up over this. Remove yourself. You're in SUCH a healthier place now! I'm so proud of you.
It took me almost 10 years to forgive the man who done me wrong--and you know when it finally happened? When I was 100% happy with who and where I was and looking back looked crappy. So I know you'll get there.

hope505 said...

...he sent you a self-help book after y'all broke UP??
No. WAY. !!

How dickish.

~annie said...

Angry is good. And so is Fall. Time to bury things, and burn stuff and prepare for something new. Forgiveness will com in time. You are and will be OK.

sherilee said...

Clarity is good and it sounds like you got a little while lying in the sun. Nice. I echo the other comments re: the self-help book (wtf?) and taking your time with forgiveness... it will come. You're in a good place to move forward from, and a year from now this whole time of anniversary/remembering will seem ever more distant.