Learning to be.

Another day, another 8 hours of doing not much in The Cube of Despair.

I am too adult and too proud to ask yet again for something to do. And so? I’ve spent today reading, and daydreaming, and moving my laptop’s touchpad enough to keep my IM status as “available” instead of “not doing a damn thing related to my computer and therefore not working.”

It’s important to keep up appearances. Sure, I’m so not here mentally … but I should give off the vibe of being engaged.

The contractor across the aisle from me is similarly bored. However, my sense of kinship with him has faded since a) I found out he graduated from high school in 2006 - you know, that year I bought my second house?; and b) he mentioned he’s teaching himself Java during this downtime … the downtime I’ve spent shopping for curtains online. Oh, and c) he said he’d love to be hired full-time to sit around and do nothing, the thought of which makes me want to shrivel up and die and then rot in a really stinky, maggottastic way.

My sweet and wise friend A. mentioned this weekend that I should view this gig at Mega Corporate Behemoth as a well-deserved work coma. You know how sometimes you fantasize about being in the hospital because you’d actually get to rest? Yeah, like that. Except without being sick or having to deal with insurance. Oh, and I’m getting paid.

I’m getting paid, and I’m having time to work through the PTSD from my last job, and process the whole infertility debacle / adventure / what-have-you. These are good things. And, I’m writing, and simultaneously attempting to embrace not having a plan while also thinking about maybe sometime possibly creating a plan. All this, for the low, low price of attending the occasional meeting or whipping out some brainless copy.

But I’d be lying if I said it was easy to get out of bed every morning. It isn’t. I hate rushing to get to a job where my main goal for the day is not to be caught skulking in late to sit in my cube and do nothing.

And, if I’m being honest? It’s a total ego blow to go from managing a team that I think liked me and respected me to being the lowest of the low peons who cannot get her manager to give her the time of day.

I like to think my obvious mad skillz, genius and supermodel looks make everybody nervous and jealous. Intimidation, yo.

But really? I’m sad that I laughed when a friend suggested I try a good lunch spot near Mega Corporate Behemoth. I don’t have any friends to go to lunch with!

So … here I am.