Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Where are they now: Creepy Rajeev.

I just heard a woman in Cubeland say “irregardless.” Like it’s a real word.

You know, many of my former compatriots at Corporate Behemoth were not as super-duper lucky as me - they haven’t found awesome (cough, cough) gigs like mine yet. It’s eerie to see how many haven’t updated their LinkedIn profiles yet. Those old Corporate Behemoth titles are still there, pretending to be current. It’s almost like a death.

One of the involuntarily laid-off workers was your friend and mine, Creepy Rajeev. I know, I know. Who will be Corporate Behemoth’s director of sexual harassment? Who will lead the Overwhelming Cologne Taskforce? Who will represent the interests of the close talkers and boob grazers? Who is making the women of Corporate Behemoth feel violated?

I just don’t know.

Creepy Rajeev hasn’t updated his LinkedIn profile, so I’ve been wondering what he’s up to now. I’m not a licensed job coach, but I could surely direct him to some careers to which I know he would be well-suited. Here are some options.

Something overtly sexy: Gynecologist, sex therapist, lingerie fitter at Nordstrom, and too-grabby masseuse all fall into this category. However, they all feel a little … trite. Surely there’s something more imaginative out there.

Service: These industries are rife with previously unappreciated opportunities for creepiness!
  • Produce guy: Think about it. Rajeev could fondle all the produce at your local grocery. One minute, you’re innocently picking up a zucchini. The next, your helpful produce guy is standing right next to you, caressing some tomatoes and murmuring about stir fry for 2. 
  • Waiter: I’m sure Rajeev would consider this way beneath him, but just think about the opportunities for brushing up against women, and marking them with his man musk. 
  • Elevator operator: If only this were still a real job. Lots of people in close quarters, just waiting to choke on Rajeev’s cologne? Yes, please! 
  • Tailor: It is this person’s job to be grabby and touch your stuff. While possibly too obvious a choice for our creepy pal, I think Rajeev would look swell with a tape measure around his neck. 
Entertainment: We all want room to explore, grow and be the best we can be. I think Hollywood can offer that to Rajeev.
  • Casting director: Let’s just cut to the chase and get this man the casting couch he so richly deserves. The nice thing about this job is that with his ego, Rajeev would never be bothered by the pesky conscience that plagues many in the same position. 
  • Game show host: Richard Dawson is dead. Who is going to slip the tongue to entire families in the new millennium? Creepy Rajeev, that’s who!
  • Artist: I’m pretty sure you can’t be an artist without drawing nudes. Just sayin’. 
  • R&B singer: Dey be all up in bitches an’ shit. Plus, if R. Kelly and Chris Brown still have careers, there’s lots of latitude for a minor groper like Rajeev. 
Now, I’m obviously not an expert on careers and stuff. My 9th-grade career questionnaire said I should be an interior decorator (cool!) or an auctioneer (what?) - neither of which I have managed to attain. So, help me out - what fantastic careers are fitting for a leering, cologned creep?

Also? He’s already tried IT. It obviously didn’t work out.

3 comments:

Cyndi B. said...

Oh my gosh...funniest post ever!

How about a FedEx or UPS delivery person? Delivering packages and leaving behind the scent of his cologne to linger for hours.

Kelley said...

Too funny! We used to have our own Creepy Rajeev here. You could smell his cologne a good 2 minutes before he acutally entered the work area.

How about the job of repo man for Raj? I'm sure he'd have a great time offering to 'help out' some poor haplass woman who was about to get her car posessed.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I was totally expecting Creepy Rajeev to turn up at your new office space by the end of this post!
Yeah, he'd be great working at a tanning salon, too.