Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My marriage is built on lies. And teevee.

My Guy and I have been watching a lot of the Olympics. Or, as my brother used to call them, the Bolympics. The games of the gajillionth Bolympiad, if you will.

I was surprised to find that some of the competitors in women's gymnastics are my height, or even an inch taller. I'm 5'3" on a really good day ... and I even saw a gymnast who is 5'4"!

I mentioned this to My Guy, who was all, "What are you talking about?"

"How tall do you think I am?"

"Like, 5'5"?"

And then I had a heart attack from laughing. And then I got all somber. "You don't know me at all!"

So, I was feeling really alone, and, well, vulnerable. And then? Then I found out ... Bret Michaels is single.

Yes. Our favorite bandannaed rocker split from his fiancee / babymama. They are asking for privacy right now during this difficult time.

Now, I'm married. And I'm gonna stay married, even though this is obviously a very challenging time for me and My Guy, what with the height discrepancies and the reappearance of my old flame, Bret. We're gonna work through it, for the sake of the dogs.

But beyond that, does this mean we can look forward to yet another season of tramptastic fun on Rock of Love? Because My Guy and I have been known to bond over trashy teevee. And another Bret Michaels-based show could help us rebuild our marriage.

Now, I have a well-documented obsession with the Rock of Love skankfest. I'm sure I've personally contributed to the downfall of western civilization with my many thought-provoking posts on Bret's misguided quest for sex, err, I mean love. But Rock of Love?

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Buzzfeed does an excellent job of arguing for yet another season of Rock of Love. As I mentioned in my visionary proposal for Slut Rehab, we, as a culture, need to provide outlets for our hoochier members. And Rock of Love is it.

vh1? I hope you're reading. And since I was looking for volunteer opportunities, maybe I could do community service by helping the ladies cover their hoo-has and stuff.

Also? I'm sort of embarrassed by the number of posts I've written about Bret Michaels and his entire ecosystem of cheap Christmas trash. I'm hoping this means I'm an anthropologist and not, you know, a slut groupie.

4 comments:

Kelley said...

Oh, I am so hoping for a new season of Rock of Love! Maybe a ROL All-Star-skank edition? Maybe a competitive dating show with Bret and Flava-Flav where the 'winner' picks the man of her dreams? Let's make this happen!

Banjo @ Unfabulousness said...

@kelley: i second that! Winning!
ChaCha, your Brett Micheals love is not an obsession. You know we all think and feel the same way about him. You were just brave enough to put it out there for everyone to see!

Allison Weaver said...

It is just the highlight of my life to walk into PetSmart and see the life-size cutout of Bret hawking his Pets Rock line. I wish my dog would wear one of his bandanas...

Sparkling said...

I was apparently absent during the 80s when I was supposed to be madly in love with Bret only got to know who he was when he was on the apprentice. And I am not in love. BUt I laugh whenever someone mentions him because I was at my sister's birthday party at restaurant one year and someone had brought some girls who did not fit in at all. I don't even know who brought them. But I died laughing when someone at my end of the table asked who brought the girls that just walked off the Rock of Love bus and that's all I can think of everytime I hear his name.

I am only 5'2" and my boyfriend is 6'2" and after 16 years he has suddenly noticed that I am really short. This has come up when I have asked him to reach for things and he gets all bent out of shape and tells me to do it myself and can't understand why I want him to reach it when it's at his damned eye level! I don't know where he was all the cajillion times I asked to get things in the past and he did. I always point out how close I am to someone's height when the tell us on tv. I don't know if it's just because I'm short, or what.