Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Don't look like a hooker at prom.

It's April 2 and no one has asked me to the prom. Yet.

I would be an awesome prom date. I have my own car and I can buy beer. In addition, my prom fashion sense simply cannot be topped.

My high school has started doing The Best Thing Ever. They do a promenade as everyone is headed into prom. And it's shown LIVE on the local cable channel. This means that last year, my family sat transfixed around the teevee, watching all the kids get out of their cars and hobble into the school in their dress shoes and too-high heels.

It was fabulous.

Most of the girls needed lessons in how to walk in heels and how to keep their dresses from falling down. Ah, youth.

But some of the girls needed intervention before the prom. They needed assistance in the dressing room when they were buying their fashions.

OK, listen.

I've been looking around on Pinterest, and since I'm a hip 37-year-old unnaturally obsessed with prom, you know I'm completely trustworthy. Here's the deal.

Rule 1: Don't dress like a hoochie. Some frocks are best saved for your future appearance on a vh1 dating show. Their time will come. If you think Bret Michaels would like a dress, it is not prom-appropriate.
Rule 2: You aren't going to be on "Dancing With the Stars," so don't dress like it.
Rule 3: Short dresses are young and fresh! But too short is ... too short. This looks like something an ice skater would wear to a pap smear.
Rule 4: If a dress straddles that fine line between trendy and weird, it's just weird. Don't give your classmates carte blanche to call you "Dissection Darcy" or "Vivisection Vicki" with a weird dress that is reminiscent of gutting a fish. Also, the term "straddle" shouldn't be in your vocabulary for prom. Ahem.
Extra Credit: Everything comes back around. My Barbies had this dress in 1980.
Seriously.

Up next: Cha Cha's Prom Spectacular continues with the tale of The Worst Prom Date Ever!

12 comments:

Patti said...

I hope you know that the Plaza is the perfect place to go every weekend of prom season. Find a bench and watch the promenade LIVE! Many of the kids from the suburban schools (or even rural schools) head down to eat somewhere or just to walk around to see and be seen. It is glorious and hilarious. The dresses you posted will most certainly be there. I have been practicing my surreptitious photography so I can text my daughters and share the fun. Don't miss it!

Gary's third pottery blog said...

My prom in what, 1983? was pizza in the gym...I sh!t you not. Nobody cared, nobody dressed, the US legal drinking age was 18, all the fun was out in the parking lot :) I am of the FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH and DAZED AND CONFUSED generation....who have been bewildered by that formal stuff that misguided youth have gotten into ever since...huh? Dressing up for FUN? But then again, as the saying goes "I'm off like a prom dress!" :)

Patience_Crabstick said...

Ha ha ha about the Barbie doll. Some fashions do not deserve a comeback.

Violet said...

My prom was in 1983, too, but unlike Gary's class, we dressed UP. My dress was big! froofy! fluffy! with ruffles and bows and poofy sleeves. I felt like...well, I felt like Barbie.

It never made sense to me when girls started wearing cocktail dresses to prom.

Who pays for these dresses? There is no way my mother would have let me out of the house in any of the dresses pictured. Well, maybe the Barbie dress.

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

I cannot say enough how much I love that you literally have that Barbie doll. classic.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You rule the prom advice! But I must add no gum chomping and stop slouching, ESP when wearing strapless

Banjo Unfabulousness said...

Love the fashion advice! You should park your rear at the mall from now until Prom and dole this advice out. Looks like some of the girls could REALLY use your help!

Kelley said...

Oh man, PROM!! Please tell the young ladies of today not to dress like day-shift hookers for their prom. I may have to blog about my prom experience!

iwasbornold said...

This is hilarious! The straddle dress is...wow. Who gave that the greenlight? It looks like something a woman on one of those gypsy shows might wear (I'm pretending I don't know the name so I can maintain plausible deniability). In some small towns the kids really do it up. Arrive in helicopters and such to impress the whole town. I'd watch THAT on cable.

Cinny said...

Prom in my town is not until April 20th, so there is time to offer shopping tips here -- and it's badly needed. I agree -- who pays for these dresses?? And if it's Mom & Dad, what are they thinking?? On the other hand, everyone needs at least one really embarrassing prom picture for the future.

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

Amen.

My 14 y.o. will be attending the 8th grade semi-formal this spring with a group of her friends. Most of the dresses available are strapless, low cut, and/or very short. Even if I were inclined to allow her to wear this nonsense, she would refuse to partake in that nonsense.

Mrs. G. said...

I dressed like a Virgin Bride/Laura Ingalls at my prom. Not kidding. I even wore a white hat with a pink satin band. I have no idea what I was thinking. Brett Michaels would not have approved.