Monday, December 1, 2008

You can close your eyes, it's all right.

The first time I saw the psychiatrist, I was just so relieved and desperate and sad that I couldn't hide what a mess I was. She was very kind, and I felt like it was ok that I walked into her office and basically fell apart ... even though I wanted to kill her receptionist.

So when I went back for a follow-up ... it's weird that I was just like, "I'm fine. Everything's fine. Give me a refill."

I'm not fine. Everything isn't fine. I guess I just didn't have the energy to talk about it. It was easier to pretend. Which is why I told her that the sleeping pill she gave me knocked me out too much but that I could sleep without it.

Which is a big fucking lie.

Which is why I was up at 2 this morning, eating oatmeal, drinking NyQuil and watching Rock of Love Charm School.

I should totally have my own reality show. Obviously.

Anyway. I don't know if it's the added anxiety and loss surrounding the Geriatric Poodle or what. But short of the prescription or at least an Advil PM, I am wired. I need help sleeping. I just need help.

And Foxie Doxie needs his mama. He is attached to my hip, and won't even let me go to the bathroom without him. I want to fix his broken heart, to calm his fears.

So, we're just doing what we can. He's asleep with his head buried in my armpit. My mom called and she is going to pick up the Geriatric Poodle's ashes tomorrow. She promises to take good care of him until I go home for Christmas.

Foxie and I? We depend on the people who love us. And tomorrow will be a little better. We have faith.


LaDue & Crew said...

My heart hurts for you, and I wish I could be there to talk with you, hug you, and let you spill whatever your heart desires. I know it's hard. You are going through the rights steps to your future. Keep talking, keep crying, keep writing, until you can't anymore. I promise, goodness, happiness and all things lovely will come.

Mrs. G. said...

Girl, you need to get to a doctor and speak the truth.

True story: I once went to therapy weekly, and didn't start getting real until week 8.


Unknown said...

Please, please, please call your doc back and tell her what's going on. Never forget, she's ON YOUR SIDE. You gotta give her the info she needs to help though--as simple as a readjustment of the meds. Go call her right now, if not for you for us. We need to hear more about Ms. Receptionist. Go. Call. Hugs.

Rebecca said...

I agree agree, please call her back and go talk to her. I know it won't fix everything but it just might help you move one step forward towards having some peace in your life.

I feel so sad for your loss.

LaDue & Crew said...

I'm sorry, after reading through the other comments, I realized you had not been back to the Dr- I thought you had :o( I agree with the others- call, and see her again. As I said earlier, everything else you are doing is helpful and are definitely the right steps. Sometimes we just need a bit more. {{{hugs}}}

you gotta wonder said...

Tomorrow will be better. Keep the faith. You remain in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Yes, call and see her again. And start watching something other than VH1 in the middle of the night--at least rent something funny to take the edge off--like School of Rock or Caddyshack or Office Space.

Still holding you in the light, Cha Cha.

Tumble Fish Studio said...

Okay, first reaction, I wish I was there and we could get lit on something better than nyquil! Just being honest. We'd have us a time! But, I'm getting too old and responsible to get lit so plan B is probably better.

I can't go into it all here, but I've been through some stuff, I mean STUFF (very bad), and I know how draining it is to go through therapy but honestly, most of "us" don't have the skills and tools to really help you through all that you're going through. And, having gone through it myself (for many months) and coming out on the other side, you probably are having some chemical inbalance action goin' on due to stress. One of my doctors explained it like this, "you have this bad stuff happen to you and you walk down the hall and put it in the spare room and close the door. And some of the bad stuff takes up a lot more room than you realize. But over the years you keep throwing a thousand little things in there with the big stuff. And suddenly, the last little thing you throw in there bursts the door open and everything spills out into the rest of the house" You're not crazy - just tired and the body is over doing it for you. Your doctor can help regulate this the right way. If not this doctor, another. You owe it to yourself to work all the way through this and do your homework so you'll feel more like your old self sooner. Us telling you things will get better may not cut it, it might, but you may need a little extra boost from someone that's dealt with this a thousand times and knows all the medical stuff too. See a psychiatrist and not a psychologist. Or maybe a psychiatrist and a therapist. Go to your appointments and think of them as work outs like at the gym - usually feel much better after you're done.

It does sound like you're starting to get that angry "I am fine" voice which is a good sign actually. You're starting to feel stronger, (a little darker, "just try it", "don't mess with me", can't you see the neon light on my forehead that says I'm dealin' with my own stuff so get out of my way, etc.) - just tired and drained, I'll bet.

Let us know what you're doing about this Cha Cha. We LOOOVVVEEEE you and want to know what's going on, good AND bad! Bad is there to help the good be good.

Love you - Marsha

Madge said...

Oh I have done that thing with the psychiatrist (and everyone else in my life) "I'm fine!!! I'm fine!!!" yeah, Mrs. G. is right go in and tell the truth.

Girl, better days are coming, they really are.

big hugs to you