Thursday, June 18, 2009

See this movie. Be honest. The end.

The dachshunds are curled up on the couch, still exhausted from hosting book club last night. And their mama? Well, when I got home around 7 tonight, I skipped the whole "changing out of my work clothes" business and just put on my nightgown. I only realized later that I still have to take out the trash.

I'm just going to wait until it's dark.

So, our evening of uneventful channel surfing turned into something serious and worthwhile. I happened upon a powerful documentary on PBS called Be Good, Smile Pretty. It's the story of woman whose father was killed in Vietnam when she was just three months old - and her quest to get to know her dad.

In some ways, her quest seems incredibly selfish. As she implores her mother, her dad's family, his comrades, his Annapolis classmates for information, she brings up painful memories and pokes at wounds that never heal.

I have a hard time seeing anguish.

But really? This documentary is a story about honesty and asking the difficult questions. It's also a bit of a scavenger hunt, trying to make something tangible out of memories. Trying to make sense of it all.

And tonight? Tonight, I'm just tired. And homesick. And sad. And realizing that as much as I was sick and tired of being so damned sad, I'm still not over the grief of the last year. I wouldn't dream of comparing the two situations, but ... tonight, I can relate to feeling a void.

So, it was nice to have an excuse to cry.


LaDue & Crew said...

{{{hugs}}}... You're right, it's not quite the same, but the loss in your heart is. A good cry is needed at times.

My daughter moved to Chicago 4 weeks ago, and I am feeling completely lost without her. She is going through a divorce and had to change scenery. She called me at 1 a.m. this morning, crying, to say her husband called to ask her back. But he wanted to come clean to her- and he could only do it via text message. So he text her a pic- of an ultrasound- of a woman he had gotten pregnant 3 months before my daughter left him.

That is so very painful. And I can't be there to give her a mommy hug and tell her it is gonna be ok... and her life will be better for having left him.

Unknown said...

Everyone needs to feel sorry for themselves sometime and everyone should have a good cry sometime. It's a good release. Just because you are having more good days than bad doesn't mean you have completed your healing process. That takes time. What you do have is a great support group of family and friends, but enjoy your cries when you have them.

Anonymous said...

Good cathartic night for you.
Sometimes a girl just needs a good bawl--without vodka, but in her jammies alone.

you gotta wonder said...

Sending love and hugs your way.


Sometimes crying makes you feel so much better afterwords. It feels like a clensing of anguish, pain and it releases a lot of stress for me.

Have a wonderful day and kiss those little roommates of yours for me.