Sunday, January 10, 2010

Shake your money maker. Or sack of potatoes.

You might recall the lovely Mary's comments on my recent sit-down with Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shread.

Don't do it! Walk AWAY from the Shred! If you must, watch it again. But whatever you do, do NOT get up off the couch.

I did that stupid workout (Level 1, many modifications of my own, no weights) three times in four days. And I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. ... Do it if you want. But you can't say you weren't warned.

I took what she said to heart. Really, I did. On Friday? I didn't even consider doing Shred. I was too busy drinking wine and eating Moo Shu pork.

But Saturday? Saturday, I ventured out in the balmy 1-degree weather to check out these pants I'd had my eye on.

Yeah, you know this isn't going to end well.

The pants in question were cord trousers from J. Jill. And they were on sale. And in cute colors. But I forgot one important thing: J. Jill pants don't fit me. Ever. Under any circumstances. Even with my recent embrace of actually getting clothes altered, J. Jill and I are not a good match. Yesterday's pants were no exception.

You might think that it's impossible for a fairly fit 34-year-old woman to be suddenly transformed into an 83-year-old Depends wearer. You would be mistaken. You obviously have not seen me in J. Jill pants. Seriously. My ass suddenly looked like a sack of potatoes (or two) and my legs, mysteriously, shrunk four inches when I tried on the pants.

I was a bit ... perturbed.

I felt gross. And so? I disregarded Mary's warning. I went home, moved my couch and my coffee table, and proceeded to try to kill myself with Jillian Michaels.

Big shocker, the workout is harder than it looks. Like Mary, I didn't use weights. Like Molly, I hate jumping jacks and modified them with a one-armed flail intended to protect my ample boobage. Like pretty much everyone else who has ever done this workout? I wanted to die.

But I did it. I completed the workout.

All was fine until this morning. I slept until 11:30. I think my Sleeping Beauty-ness was due partly to the remnants of Wretched Cold. But mostly? Mostly, I slept in because I couldn't move my body.

I am sore allllll over. My quads are in such pain that I'm having difficulty both getting down on and up from the toilet seat. Perhaps I actually am an 83-year-old Depends wearer.

I'm trying to stay positive. Perhaps 30-Day Shred is actually 60-Day Shred, with a day off between each workout. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll be able to lift my arms and will suddenly be on my way to such fitness that I'll have the energy to begin my takeover of the evil J. Jill empire.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Well, my fingers would be crossed if I could move them into a crossed position.


Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

I really hate to say "I told you so" (even though it's almost always as fun as I think it will be), so instead I'll say this: Get up and move. Drink lots of water. And then move some more.

That's how I survived. I'm told Advil helps, too.

Good luck. May the workout gods be with you. :)

Iron Needles said...

See. The thing is the name.


Nothing good can come of a body after shredding.

It's just not friendly.

CheckerMom said...

Seriously? J. Jill clothes are made for Kate Moss only. I used to gaze longingly at their catalog, only to realize that in no universe could I ever put my curves in those straight pants. Kate Moss could. That's all. Only her. No shredding allowed if it's for Jill!

Anonymous said...

It's true about the J Jill pants--whose butt are they made for anyway??? I've had good luck with Eddie Bauer pants, Old Navy pants, Gap pants and Ann Taylor pants. Never J Jill. Which tells me it's her, not me.
Good luck shredding. I can't exercise on my own like that--NO motivation if no one's watching me;)

8 said...

Drink some water, take some advil and after your next workout, since you know you are going back for more pain, have a large glass of wine!

daisiesforyou said...

Hot bath with 1-2 cups of epsom salts in the water and a glass of wine in your hand.

Aches (and Jillian's voice inyour head) will melt away. :)

Molly said...

Nooooo you can do it!

Granted I did two days of shred, six months apart. so at this rate it'll take me another 15 years. So i will finish somewhere in my late 30s.

Also, I feel your pain on the pants. I have a giant pumpkin head. and a HUGE ass. Blargh.

(also, secretly freaking out that you read my comment and you too do the one armed flail. I'm in great company!)

jean said...

You made my day. Thank you!

Anonymous said...


Wenderina said...

I was excited to find a sucker out there on Freecycle to take away my elliptical. After all, it's only been holding dust and clothes for the past year. I am trying to return to the gym, but typically I just go and turn on my favorite show on the tv mounted right on the treadmill, set the pace to 83-year old with walker speed, and casually stroll for about 20 minutes.

Yeah, that burns off about 1/2 of a potato chip.

Oh and pants - Gloria Vanderbilt is my nemesis. Even if she is Anderson Coopers mom, she can suck it.


I would probably need a paramedic if I did the shred.

Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.