Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I think I know the answer.

Once upon a time, in a house a few miles away, I was burgled. Or, rather, Ex-Ex and I were burgled. Which was only cool in that we got to go around saying, "We've been burgled!"

Two teenagers and their uncle literally broke down our back door. They took electronics, a blender (really), and a bottle of Kahlua. I guess it's the beverage choice of deadbeats.

I discovered the scene, called the cops, and had the distinct pleasure of seeing every pair of underwear that I owned strewn about the bedroom - a byproduct of the punks digging through dresser drawers. I arranged for a neighbor to board up the door. And I called Ex-Ex, who was traveling for business.

He yelled at me.

I stayed in a hotel because none of my friends were home. When I arrived at the police station at 7 a.m. the next morning, responding to a call that they had recovered our stuff? Well, I was treated to a show from a rather angry woman brought in by a bounty hunter. I sat in my little Gap jeans and fleece jacket, clutched my little Coach bag and kept my eyes on the floor in the too-small waiting room. I found myself rocking back and forth to the time of my new mantra: "I am a bad-ass bitch. I am a bad-ass bitch."

I had the door replaced. I navigated the insurance nightmare. I cleaned up the house - including the dust the cops used to lift prints - before Ex-Ex got home. I wanted to save him from the trauma of seeing our home ransacked.

It was all fine. But really? It's not an experience I would wish on anyone.

So now, seven years later, I receive this e-mail from Ex-Ex:

Well, our old friends are back. I guess every seven years they deem it appropriate to break into my house. This time, they were quite brazen and kicked in the front door, then stole my two televisions. Thought you of all people would appreciate this latest turn of events. Considering the last experience with the insurance company, I'm considering not filing a claim.

How are you?
Ex-Ex

Why? Why, why, why are you contacting me to tell me you got burgled? Bet you're amazed at all the work involved in cleaning up from such a mess, huh? And how can I not respond to this message without outing myself as a Grade A bitch?

Luckily, Alice came to the rescue. She drafted this little ditty:

Funny how life operates in cycles. May the next cycle be that someone who slowly rips your heart out and screws you out of money tries to be your friend and e-mails you about things as if you give a shit.

Cheers!
Cha Cha


Oh, I do so like that Alice. She's got style.

So. Do I send the message? Or do I ignore the whole business and instead return to my own regularly scheduled programming, where I have discovered that I kind of have a boyfriend and I am more than kind of falling really hard for him?

19 comments:

SCREAMING FOR CHOCOLATE said...

I would just ignore it and not respond. That will probably bug him...a lot.

Molly said...

delete that sucker! You don't need to respond to him at all. he doesn't deserve it. Karma is a bitch huh?

Molly said...

also, im totally the chick that would write back. my ex called me twice today. WHY? idk. but I actually got the courage to text him and tell him not to call anymore. we'll see

LaDue & Crew said...

Yup, ignoring is the best form of irritation... irritate the piss out of him ;-) Ahhh, I love it over here!

Sister Three said...

While there is great satisfaction in knowing that karma does prevail, it's best to totally ignore the jerk -- which is a little more karma in its own way. Tho I do LOVE Alice's reply!

Cyndi B. said...

Alice Rocks! Such a beautifully worded "up yours!"

I'd flag his email as spam and block his address from sending anything to you. Guy needs to go away.

Dorrie said...

Love Alice's reply too but I vote for ignoring it.

dallasdiva said...

OK, once again, finding myself in a similar boat to thou, if anything just respond with "sorry to hear that. Such a pain. Good luck" small, polite, and yet totally I don't give a shit about your petty problems at the exact same time . . .

Karen said...

I love, love, love Alice's retort. But I vote for ignoring him. While you deem it neccessary to spend time formulating a response to him that is polite and un-bitchified, I highly doubt he would do the same. I say ignoring him will save you from having to read a response from him, and that is a good thing.

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Alice is wonderful, but you should delete. If you ask me. Which you sorta did. :)

Sure does make you want to say something sweet like, "Karma's a bitch, eh?" though, doesn't it?

Can't believe he yelled at you.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Alice is goooo-ooood. What a douche ex-ex is.

Iron Needles said...

Trust your instincts on both counts, with ex-ex, and with the new guy.

Your instincts are good.

Average Jane said...

Just having that perfect response available is enough. I wouldn't actually send it, though.

mel said...

Responding gives him power...

Just laugh to yourself and move on! :)

Banjo said...

I love what Alice had to say but I vote for ignoring it and not sending the reply.

hope505 said...

omg omg omg!! A BOYFRIEND??!
Is it GW2D????
I bet it is!!!

sherilee said...

How come there aren't more comments relating to the NEW boyfriend? I'm all for hearing more about that one!

And yes, ignoring is good. Especially since it's YOU that has to do it and not the rest of us. I personally suck at ignoring. I'm the queen of writing unfiltered emails and hitting the send button. But I'm working on at least hitting my own pause button... I vote you hit the delete button and move on.

Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

I concur with most of the others. Ignore him. He wants attention from you, and the worst thing to do to him is just not to give him any at all. And yes, Alice does rock.

On another note, rumor has it that Bret Michaels will be part of the next celebrity apprentice. I know he holds a special place in your heart!