Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A dream deferred.

Remember a few weeks ago when I was all excited because I found my calling in life, my life's work? I was going to open SlutMart, where reality show hos could get all of their Lucite heels and coochie-baring dresses.

Sadly, I think someone beat me to the punch.

See, I ended up on a mailing list.

A mailing list for a particular catalog.

Perhaps you've heard of it ... Frederick's of Hollywood?

I know!

First of all - how could my business plan for SlutMart have been so flawed to overlook such a huge competitor - a competitor who may have actually cornered the market on hoochiewear?

Secondly - how did I get on this mailing list? Don't they realize that I'm a former mathlete who never goes anywhere without an iron-plated, industrial-strength over-the-shoulder boulder holder? I am not the target demographic for the, uh, recreational underthings that are the hallmark of the Frederick's of Hollywood empire.

I will say, however, that good ol' Fred does offer clothing and accessories for any occasion.

Need to throw on jeans and a shirt for a quick run to WalMart for cigs and baby formula? Fred will hook you up.
Or how about taking the kids to the zoo, getting in touch with your own wild side?
Nothing says, "I am an important businesslady going to an important businesslady meeting" like this little getting-down-to-business number.Tell me these wouldn't be perfect for meeting your boyfriend's parents. Seriously.Oh, crap. I actually kind of like this one.
Ideal for a job interview ...
... while these are better suited for your boyfriend's parole hearing.
And this? Well, it's just perfect with any ensemble. Because nothing says, "I am an intelligent, rational woman with goals and a strong sense of self" like a $12 necklace that's going to turn your neck green.
I know I'm being harsh ... it's just hard to let go of the SlutMart dream. And looking through Fred's stock is like planning your outfits for the elimination ceremonies of any vh1 dating show.
But really? Really, who buys this stuff? Who are these women? And how did I get lumped in with them with this stupid catalog?
All images courtesy of fredericks.com.

7 comments:

hope505 said...

*ahhh hahaha!!* Chacha, I am with you all the way for SLUT-MART. In fact....every time I watch one of my favorite cartoons - King of the Hill ( !! ) I think SLUT-MART would be a wonderful addition to the show. SLUT-MART!! Tarts-n-Harlots come on down!!

And everythings all good, over at my place...y'know, I get over stuff pretty easy. No harm done.
* ; )

Average Jane said...

My sister and I were having a discussion about bridesmaid dresses with our book club when we happened to mention that the dresses for my sister's wedding came from the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. Oh, the laughter!

However, the dresses she chose were totally not slutwear - they were actually quite modest and pretty...and cheap.

I kinda miss getting that catalog.

dallasdiva said...

First, and foremost, a girl who references Langston Hughes in her post title cannot also be the owner of a slutmart. It is just not done.

Second, well, actually, I don't have a second. See first.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I don't know how they stay in business. But then, I do live in the midwest...

hope505 said...

Frederick is just Victoria's trashy little bastard sibling. With no secret whatsoever.

sherilee said...

Hope505 is on to something. I haven't gotten a Fredrick's catalog (not sure whether to be honored or insulted) but I was on Victoria's list for what seemed like decades of not buying anything from them... I do think it's just branches off the same "look at my ta-tas" tree. Not that there aren't occasionally decent dresses or thongs for the common woman, but by and large... vamp baby, pure vamp.

Wenderina said...

I really needed a naughty giggle and this one gave it to me. It also unfortunately reminded of one real-life linkage to Fred...at my sister's wedding when she needed help with her wedding dress in the bathroom stall and I got to see her crotchless panties. Class-y.