Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Landscaping, pregnancy, and dogs.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

No, not Arbor Day. The day the of my annual ladyexam!

Yep. Best day ever.

The good news is that my gyn is fast. Like a dueling cowboy, but with a speculum instead of a gun.

The bad news is that said gyn clearly focuses on being calm and delivering an “everything is going to be fine” message along with delivering babies. This means that my “We worked with a reproductive endocrinologist and decided not to be science experiments and things were totally messed up down there so I went back on the pill to normalize some shit” message was met with … kind of a blank stare. 

And then? Then, she said that if I went off the pill, I’d probably get pregnant.

Riiight. Because I haven’t already been on enough of an emotional rollercoaster. Thanks for that.

Without going into too many details … the ol’ fertilization is never going to happen for us. And while I’ve gotten the “relax and it will happen when you least expect it” message from lots of folks, I really didn’t expect it from my own doctor at this point in the game. Because if she looked at the records from the repro endo, she’d know there’s no “probably get pregnant” going on in this here oven.

After my appointment, I sat in my car in the parking lot and weighed the release of crying versus the mascara damage. I opted for intact eye makeup and a laissez-faire attitude.

I know my gyn doesn’t specialize in infertility. I know she wasn’t being malicious. She was probably making small talk. Tee hee!

I just have to close the “maybe this will happen” chapter. It’s just too brutal. I need to stop being so sensitive about, oh, stuff like my ladydoctor telling me I could catch pregnancy, like a cold. I need to focus on other ways to allocate my energies and - dare I say it - love.

I know you can’t really tell your gyn that you don’t want to talk about your ladybusiness, but to everyone else? Those acquaintances who figure we’ve been married for almost 2 years, and the friends who can’t quite wrap their heads around us saying no to invasive fertility treatments? To these folks, I say, “GET OFFA MY LAWN!”

Wherein “lawn” means “ladywomb.”

It occurred to me today that we should name our next dog Vern, after the hippie minister who married us. Because Vern is an awesome name for a dog, and it would be a compliment to our officiant. After all, it would mean we’d named our child after him.

Maybe this random thought is a sign.


Dorrie said...

Being childless myself, I have decided it isn't the worse thing in the world, especially now that I have nieces and nephews in the 1 to 32 year range. Seeing some of the stuff my siblings have gone through, my husband and I have come to appreciate enjoying them and then being able to go home to our quiet house with our furry kids. Our furry kids may never grow up to take care of us in our old age, but then, there are no guarantees in this life. I like to focus on all the good things in my life and there are many.

Violet said...

"I just have to close the 'maybe this will happen' chapter."

Thank you for that sentence. There is a relationship to which I need to apply it. Childless myself, and now trying to gather the strength to excise my own heart, I appreciate the heartache and anguish that precede your statement.

As for your ladydoctor? She's kinda pissing me off. I assume your chart is chock-full of repro endo documentation - but she didn't see any of those notes? Give me a break.

Violet said...

Oh - I heard a woman call her dog 'Gert' many years ago and I've wanted a dog named Gert ever since.

Maybe my Gert and your Vern can have babies and we'll be doggie grandmas together.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

um, well, not much I can say here....

itsjustme said...

It makes me sad that we still live in a society that thinks everyone has to have kids to be happy. It puts pressure where there shouldn't be. I'm really sorry you aren't going to have kids because I know it makes you sad.

On the other hand, the decision to have children is the decision to screw up another person's life. You just don't know how. I look at myself and friends; productive members of society. Parents did their jobs. And yet, we would all agree we are scarred from our youth. Hell, my mother is still driving me over the cliff.

Better to stick with dogs. : ))

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think you can live a very fulfilled life without kids and frankly, it's nobody's business but yours (and My Guy's who is really Your Guy) to decide what/how to proceed. Your LadyDoc needs to stick to talking about the weather and football.

Heather said...

"It'll happen when you stop trying" is what women who have given birth say. I say, live a year in my body, then talk to me about what will and won't happen...