Friday, November 7, 2008

The mix tape keeps following me.

If you want to really experience The Mix Tape From Hell, just go to Walgreens. Their muzak is full of this-song-makes-me-want-to-die classics that you had previously purged from your memory.

If you really want to get the full experience, you'll go to Walgreens to fill your very first ever antidepressant prescription. This, after meeting with a very kind psychiatrist with a very thick Spanish accent. Although you will be puffy-eyed from crying during the appointment, you'll feel somewhat validated by how she looked at you and said, "You have been depressed for a very long time. Why have you waited so long to come see me?"

And you'll even think that maybe she had a point when she told you that maybe you were acting funny for months from the chemical imbalance - to which you are genetically predisposed - and perhaps that played a role in your recent breakup.

And you'll want to hug her when she promises you that it will be ok, with or without Mr. Wonderful.

So when you're puffy-eyed, waiting for your scripts at Walgreens, you'll actually flip through a copy of Cosmo. And while you're looking at an article about how to pick up guys in bars, a prospect that is most heinous and foreign to you, you'll hear the forgotten gem "Don't let it end" by Dennis DeYoung.

And you'll want to barf. And / or sob hysterically.

So then you'll go buy some eye cream, get your meds and get the hell out of there.


ZenCrafter said...

I know you may not feel this yet, but I think you're in a good place. You've made such positive steps with the therapist and the meds. I denied I had a problem with depression for 25 years, until a near breakdown after my grandmother died last year finally made me admit that those brain chemicals just weren't behaving as they should. I can't say that everything is perfect now on medication, but at least it's easier to sleep at night and get out of bed in the morning to face a new day.

I send you lots of strength and courage as you begin your healing process. And please keep writing!!

Saucy said...

Well I think you made a good choice, sister. Better living through medication, that's my motto.

Oh and Cosmo? Stay away from that stuff. That stuff will bring you down for sure.

Linda Crispell said...

Next time you go to Walgreens wear an ipod. They play that horrible music so people will buy more of those giant candy bars for a dollar. Skip the yucky Cosmo and go straight for the Love's Baby Soft perfume and the rejuvenating minty mask, now that's what I call uplifting!
Hooray for seeking out a little help.

Madge said...

antidepressants are good. i was completely opposed to them but finally gave in and took lexapro for about nine months. it was just what i needed at the time. so glad you are taking care of yourself and i hope you did not read my poems this week, which means you will probably go read them if you haven't which will probably make you feel like crap. i honestly almost didn't put them up just so you wouldn't read them. but then i did. take care of yourself...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Eye cream, meds, ipod, I agree--you must predispose yourself to happiness sometimes. Good luck--and may you meet a nice man NOT in a bar;)

econv said...

Honey, Mr. Wonderful could not have been THAT wonderful. My friend Laura has a theory that because our freaking oxytocin, we kiss a frog one day and we believe that it is a prince. Then we walk around with an ugly frog and tell everyone what a prince he is. The great thing about depression meds is that they take away that neediness and somehow fill up the emptiness. I had a breakup from hell a few years ago that landed me squarely flat on my face. It took a while, but I'm back. Meds and a puppy. There is nothing better in this world than canines. Men are great, don't get me wrong, but they are not as wonderful as we think they are. We expect too much of them. I wish you the best. Make your own tape with lots of girl power and positive songs.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

That music can really drive you nuts...I know exactly what you mean.

You'll get through this. I know you will.

We're here to listen, so keep writing and don't even think about whether you should or should not say anything...just write. It helps.

Big hug!

P.S. thank you for the thoughtful comments to my recent posts.

Claire B. said...

I wear my iPod to the gigantic chain grocery store so I don't have to listen to their AAAAWWWWFUL music. And nobody bothers me. Some days are like that.

Mrs. G. sent me. She's a peach. And so are you. Hang in there. There's only one way to get through it. Through it. Unfortunately you can't go around it.

I love your geriatric dog. I've lost two very old dogs in the past six years. They taught me so much.

Gertrude Jane McCartney said...

I am exactly where you are...Walgreens! I had the same experience. Except I didn't make it out the door before I started crying.
Everything that is nothing reminds me of him, us, we...
and I want to walk around with a paper bag over my head so I don't have to look at anything and so that no one can see my tear stained face.
I get your pain.
My best friend told me:
YOU don't ever have to do this day again.
She is right. And somedays... I barely make it through that day.
But it will change. It will. And evolve into You don't ever have this day to do again. And life, your life, my life it will go on.
I am one of Mrs. G's lurkers...I know her through Kizz...and I truly know what you are feeling. And I wanted to say... Me too. Me too.

Anonymous said...

I found you through Mrs. G, too, and I agree with some of what econv said. I have had my heart broken by a "Mr. Wonderful" and the hardest part was the realization that everything I thought I had was a lie. I replayed our entire relationship, trying to figure out where and when did the lie make itself known, and how did I miss it? The bottom line is, that kind of stuff made me crazy. I learned that anger and sorrow and all those negative emotions unfortunately do not affect the person they are meant for, they just eat us up from the inside out.
I have since found the REAL Mr. Wonderful, and it is so different than what I had before. I know he won't leave, no matter what stupid things I say or do. He is in it for the long haul, warts and all, and the safety of that is incredibly comforting. So as you get through this break-up, just remember that although he seemed like "The One", if he really truly had been The One, he wouldn't have left. He would have wanted to work through whatever issue the two of you faced. And someday, you will find the man who loves you enough to do that with you. I didn't find mine until I was 38, so it's never too late. Good luck to you!

Professor J said...

I came here from Mrs. G.

You are doing well to be able to write about it all. I think your new doctor is right--you're going to be ok.

All Adither said...

Here from Derfwad. You have a lovely writing style and I'll be back.

Angie (from over at

BeadWhisperer said...

High Fidelity.
Rent it/buy it/watch it if you haven't already.

Then make a list of things you don't miss about Mr. Wonderful. And start taking pleasure in the smallest of things.

It'll be fine.