Friday, May 8, 2009

Truth in advertising.

So, I got yet another text from Second Chance Guy. This one was all, Did I remember to say 'fuck!' last night? Because if I didn't, then 'fuck!' :)

Umm? It's called bowing out gracefully. You might look into it.

Tonight I am exhausted and lounging about at home. Two dates down this week ... two more to go before the weekend is up. Yikes.

Alice and Jake were very interested to hear about last night's adventures in dating. I ended up on their speakerphone, getting dating guidance and laughing my ass off.

We determined that really, I have three big requirements for a beau:
  1. He must think I hung the moon.

  2. He must be gainfully employed and relatively content in his life.

  3. He must have car seats that adjust. Because I am short.
Then there was talk about my drunken doctor friend, which led to a discussion about the pros and cons of requiring a man be able to hold is liquor. Or at least not get thrown out of events due to inebriation.

This, of course, led us to the real, down-and-dirty, dealbreaker questions.

  • Would you date someone just because they were hot?

  • Are you willing to date someone with a disability? If so, what types of disabilities are ok? Dyslexia? Missing a limb?

  • Can you deal with someone who doesn't wear deodorant?
These are the judgments people have but don't speak of openly, or even admit. But they are there.

Then we really got into it. Why isn't there a Cut the Crap dating site? People are brutal on - so why not push it beyond looks and get down to the real stuff? Why isn't there a dating site that asks these questions?

  • Would you date someone who is gay just to have a child?

  • Would you marry someone so they could get a green card? Would the person have to be physically attractive?

  • If you had a prescription for Vicodin, would you share with your partner?

  • If your partner had a prescription for Vicodin, how upset would you be if he or she wouldn't share?
Ok, those last two had us rolling on the floor. We are upstanding citizens and don't abuse prescription drugs. But let's move past the tired "boxers or briefs" and "her mother is a witch" stereotypes and get down to business. Let's have a dating service that requires recent photos of parents so that you know what you'd be in for in 30 years. Let's ask all the politically incorrect and socially uncomfortable questions. Can you handle someone who clips their nails in bed but couldn't possibly live with a mate who drinks out of the milk carton? Have we got a match for you!

It makes me want to create a new dating profile, or maybe even my own site -

High-maintenance SWF seeks SWM with dental insurance

I'm 33. Never married, although I lived with a man for five years, so that might make me a harlot. No kids. Two dogs. The dogs are the kids. I don't really have a biological clock.

I have dry skin and need someone to put lotion on my back. This is my real reason for looking for a mate.

I drink out of the milk carton. My dogs shed. I keep a cluttery house, am a good singer, and give preferential treatment to beaus with lakefront property. When I get angry, I stick out my chin, but if you ever call me on it, I will hate you forever. I fart. I'm a good cook. I cuss too much and get annoyed with biblical and/or Jesusy references.

My mate can leave the toilet seat up but absolutely cannot under any circumstances use all the hot water. Smoking and drugs are dealbreakers, as is being rude to retail clerks and waitstaff. Bad fashion sense is ok if you let me help you. Wearing a Bluetooth all the time is not ok - it's just assholey.

Oh, and I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. You know the drill.

Ok to contact about marrying for a green card: No
Ok to contact about dating gay to have a baby: No
Ok to contact about sharing prescription drugs: No

What sort of dealbreaker info am I missing?


LaDue & Crew said...

I think you should just post that on any of the sites and see what the hell happens!

I never minded bald. Pretty bad though, when I dated a guy 1 week after his first hair transplant. From the front, ya couldn't tell. The back though had a 3 inch rectangle- also known as the "Donor site", that was now permanently bald out of kindness for his hairline. When ever the wind blew, the rectangle reared it's ugly head (ha, pun!). I just couldn't continue on. Especially when he would ask me to cover it up.

Deodorant has to be used, as well as a toothbrush. Disabilities were ok so long as they didn't drool, and could still have sex. Gay/ child- no. Green card- I'll throw ya construction paper and a green crayon- no.

Oh, and sex... you should word that to be "Only when I want to".

itsjustme said...

Holy Crap, we are the same person. Ok, well I'm older, but other than that, I would have the exact same profile.

Of course I would add great and creative sex in exchange for trash removal, dead animal removal and the magic car.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, that profile is PERFECT! If that doesn't find Mr. Right, I don't know what will.

Now, although I am happily in a long-term oh-my-god-is-he-ever-going-to-pop-the-damn-question-relationship, I have to weigh in on your dating questions.

1. I have dated someone just because they were hot, and although it was very satisfying from an eye-candy perspective, the conversation was disappointing (read: GOD he was STUPID!) so I would have to say NO.
2. The only disability I would readily consider is blindness. Because then I could tell them that I was hot.
3. Deodorant is essential. Poor hygiene is absolutely a deal-breaker.
4. No, I would not date someone gay just to have a child, although my sister once tried to get me to marry her gay Peruvian neighbor.
5. Green card? See #4.
6. I absolutely will not share my Vicodin. Or in my case, Lortab. Don't even ask.
7. But HE has to share. Because manners are essential.
8. No clipping nails in bed. See #3.
9. I drink out of the milk carton, too. If he pretends that he doesn't see me doing it, I'll pretend I don't see him doing it, and we'll all live happily ever after.

PS - I think is a GREAT idea!! Let's get to work on that! I'll put a banner in my sidebar!


Wearing deoderant and good hygene would be a deal breaker. Racist homophobe rednecks need not apply. Someone who KNOWS everything..what a bore. Shirts unbuttoned very low with huge gold chains...yuk.

Madge said...

still living vicariously through you -- due to my 16 years of marriage and two human children. please save me now

Sara said...

Please let me re-emphasize that a marriage-for-green-cards business is a no-go. I would have to turn you in and I'm not all that excited about visiting you in prison.

Second, if you keep a "cluttery" house, then my house is a complete sh*thole. Honestly, you have the neatest house ever. It's alien-freaky-like-V in its non-cluttery-ness. I'm typing this on my laptop, which is on a coffee table, on which are also sitting a remote control, a citronella stick, my digital camera, a cell phone that hasn't had reception in eight months, an ink pen, a memory card reader, a photo disk from vacation, a sheet of printer paper with a random 919 number scrawled on it that I don't recognize, a wooden giraffe, a deck of cards and necklace I last wore about seven weeks ago. Clutter indeed.

Anyway. Deodorant (really, anti-perspirant) is a must. Non-douchebaggery is a must. Dental hygiene is a must. Everything else is details.