Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe.

My friend Annie came over tonight. We were going to do a burning bowl ceremony - you write down all the things you are ready to release, forgive, forget, and you set your intentions for starting anew as you burn the paper. It's good stuff.

We got to talking. As you do. And as the one and only person who knew both me and The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful separately before we dated, Annie had a bit of an update.

You see, towards the end of our relationship, Mr. Wonderful admitted that he had feelings for a coworker. Let's call her Lisa, because that's her real name, and if I had her phone number, I'd post that, too. But I don't.

I was devastated by the revelation, and hurt even more deeply by the fact that he refused to stop seeing her in social situations. I understood that they worked together. I didn't understand why Mr. Not-So-Wonderful wasn't willing to cancel social plans he had made with Lisa despite the fact that he knew I was horribly, painfully, words-can't-describe upset by it all.

Mr. Not-So-Wonderful promised me that nothing would ever happen because Lisa was "really religious."


Dude, I have seen Footloose. I know all about church girls.

He kept his social events with Lisa. And at one point, he admitted that while things between the two of us were rocky, he figured that if we broke up, it would take a long, long time before he was ready to date anyone. But when he was, he could date Lisa.

You can see where this is going.

Annie went to a party at Mr. Wonderful's house. He and Lisa are dating.

Evidently, "a long, long time" is a few weeks.

I told Annie I assumed that my picture was no longer on his refrigerator.

Annie replied that no, the fridge was covered almost entirely in drawings of bunnies. And that's when I totally lost my shit.

Drawings of bunnies made by the bunny-obsessed Ladybug with crayons and paper that I gave her. Drawings displayed in the kitchen where my Monaco Grand Prix poster hangs because it looked better in his house than in mine. The kitchen right off the bathroom that I helped remodel, just up the stairs from the basement where I spent an entire weekend of my life organizing a playroom and family room.

That was going to be my family.

And then The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful went off the deep end. I've honestly written him off as crazy. His behavior was so irrational and hurtful and just weird. I was lucky to get out.

And yet? He still has power over me. I didn't think he could still hurt me. But I was wrong.

We didn't do the burning bowl ceremony. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to look forward clearly and look back with no regrets. I was too busy crying.


LaDue & Crew said...

I'm sorry... {{{hugs}}}I don't understand why men- no- assholes like him can't just say hey, this aint workin' for me, and before I hurt you, I'm out. No, they light the candle at both ends and then pretend like it won't meet in the middle.

I understand this totally. Why, it seems like only yesterday I was working side by side with my ex, while I was pregnant with his son, while we were working on the tooth of a woman patient that he was having an affair with...

itsjustme said...

Curses I say . . . it is always another woman. Men are so freaking simple (I love them, I really do, but they are a beating because it is always the same chit.)

Breath in, breath out, KARMA is a bitch and she does not like to be messed with. He will get his in the end and you are so much better off being sad and away from that self-centered, chicken shit, bastard than with him and unable to escape. Whatever you learned about him that even gave you an inkling of worry is one small percentage of what should really worry you. I guarantee.

Besides we know he is an idiot because he didn't hang on to the best thing that ever happened to him . . .YOU.

P.S. my word for commenting is demesses as in "Isn't it amazing demesses that we can get ourselves into because of men?"

Unknown said...

It's all part of the healing process and all very healthy for you. Just when you think you are over it, the tears just come out of the blue and knock you for a loop. Even though you know you deserve way better than him, it doesn't matter.

Most of us have been there. Wish there was more we could to for you other than to tell you it will get better. Hope it helps to know that you are not alone.

you gotta wonder said...

Personally, I'm glad you're rid of him. Better you find out sooner than later. It's a shame for ladybug, but there's nothing you can do. Something better is waiting for you. You deserve it.

Anonymous said...

LaDue makes a brilliant point about that passive-aggressive boy behavior (I can't say "man" because no real man would behave this way).
You deserve better, but I bet that was a kick in the teeth. My ex from high school and college eloped 2 months after we broke up--HE wasn't ready to commit was the reason for breaking up. It hurt for a long time. Now he is bald and losing his job so there is justice after a while.

Cyber hugs to you, Cha Cha.

Linda Summerfield Crispell said...

Dear Cha Cha,
Please invite the ex-Mr. Wonderful over for a ceremony I call "burning balls".
Actually, perhaps dating a super religious floozy will eventually be punishment itself.
Your Pal,

Rebecca said...

OMG, that's just terrible. I'm sorry you had to hear that stuff about him. I can't wait until you meat the real Mr. Wonderful (which I PROMISE will happen!) and look back at this time and think...thank God that I didn't stay with that loser!

hope505 said...

"The degree to which you love someone is also the degree of pain you feel when they hurt you" sed someone wise. Good for you having been brave enough to love so deeply.

Sarahviz said...

I'm angry on your behalf. And karma? It's a bitch. He'll get his.

Christy said...

OMG that totally sucks. But you know what? He was so not worth it. Ugh. I know it's so hard when you're in the thick of it, but you will absolutely definitely find someone who is worth you and your time, and he ain't it.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of this post is "Let's call her Lisa, because that's her real name..." I LOVE that you maintain your humor even when the emotions are so raw.

For the record, I have been divorced from my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years now, I am happily head-over-heels in love with my very own Mr. Wonderful, and yet my ex STILL has the power to wound me. I don't know how, and god only knows, I wish I could learn to not let it bother me. That's probably not what you needed to hear, I suppose, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.