Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Because every day is a good day for Aerosmith.

A few days ago when I admitted that The Ex-Boyfriend Formerly Known as Mr. Wonderful is still floating around in my skull, wasting perfectly good brain cells, I received a beautiful comment from Marsha at Tumble Fish Studio:

I know you don't want to hear it necessarily, but there will be a time when you can finally let go of what's already gone. That's hard for most of us to do, to let go of what's already gone, and that's where our struggle comes in. We fervently and illogically try to hold onto something already beyond our grasp as it fades away with all that yesterday was - we prize it, try to keep it front and center in our memories and relive every drop of it. It's natural and we all do it. I love you Cha Cha.

Oh, and I love you, Marsha.

This comment actually blew me away - not because I didn't want to hear it, but because the sentiment is so obvious and simple and completely difficult.

I think letting go of what's already gone is such a powerful visual. I picture myself holding on to air as tightly as I can - my knuckles white, and my hands totally empty. It's wasted effort. But it's also the nature of grief - valid but not exactly rational.

So, when I find myself mourning, I'm trying to acknowledge the value of what I'm missing ... but also let it go, as it's already gone. So I might as well get with the program.

This sounds a little harsh. Someone I love very, very much is experiencing a deep, painful loss right now. And I want to fix it and I can't. But I would never tell her to get with the program - I want her to know that her grief is valid and that she is loved. And while the loss will always be there, it won't always hurt this much. But mostly? Mostly, I just want to sit next to her so she knows she's not alone.

So, maybe that's what I'm doing for myself with all of my couch time as of late. Me and Foxie Doxie. Hangin' on the couch. Regrouping. And being F-I-N-E fine.


Karen said...

There will be a day when you realize that you have not thought about him all day. Then that will turn into realizing you have not thought about him in a few days and then a few weeks. It will take time, I know it takes a long time, but I promise it will feel great when you come to this realization one day.

I am sure right now everything reminds you of Mr. Wonderful and the Ladybug. My only suggestion is to start making new associations with the things that remind you of them. Those reminders will never completely go away, but they will turn into fond memories rather than painful longing. Music is a great healer and I am glad to see you still enjoying it.

Tumble Fish Studio said...

Cha Cha - can you feel it? Can you feel the big fat bear hug I am giving you in my mind and with my heart? Wow.

You ARE fine. You just can't believe it down to your toes yet. I know what that feels like. You are doing what all of us would do, maybe only better than we would do it.

I don't know if you come back to my comments after you leave one on my blog, so here is what I wrote back to you on mine "I love you Cha Cha. I do. You brought tears and a smile at the same time." That is one of the most precious things in life.


you gotta wonder said...

Marsha said it very well.

And remember, even when you look around and it seems that it is just you and Foxie Doxie, you are never alone. You are loved. Marsha loves you, I love you, your family loves you. You are lovable. Mourn, yes. But also look forward to sunny days ahead. I'm in a meeting right now so I can't listen to Aerosmith...I'll be back later for that. ;)

Bless you,

Anonymous said...

You are doing better! You are! And like K said baby steps, right? Which reminds me, you need to watch that movie and see how Bill Murray does it:)

Anonymous said...

Wow, isn't it so awesome that you are so loved?

When I went through my last big breakup, the song "Wasted Time" from The Eagles was what I listened to every waking minute of the day. I just couldn't understand how it had seemed so right to me, and had I really wasted all those years? Now I realize that it's just like the song says... nothing is really wasted time because we learn and grow so much from the experience.

I am so excited to see what your future holds, because you've just been through some serious growth, girl, and you're obviously becoming prepared for something REALLY GREAT.


Kerry said...

Regrouping is always a good start. I found that brought me the most comfort- one or 2 good friends who could totally relate.

Madge said...

good grief this is the best post ever. just perfectly said, by both you and tumble fish studio.

i feel like i am the champ of holding onto things already gone...

Linda Summerfield said...

Steven Tyler and Marsha are our Zen Masters!!!
Socrates would be most impressed with the examined life you are now living!
Your Pal,