Sunday, January 18, 2009

Prove your love.

My sinuses have been killing me today. I'm not sure if my house is just too dry, or if I'm on the cusp of a cold, but I've spent some quality time with my couch and my life partner, DVR.

This quality time has given the opportunity to really examine the latest episode of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.

It's been a treat to really give this show the intellectual and academic attention it deserves.

Every episode has the girls competing in some sort of challenge. The winner(s) of the challenge get to go on a date with Bret. Needless to say, competition is fierce.

Previous seasons have had mud football and motocross challenges. This week's episode featured an ice hockey challenge with an introduction by Bret about how fitting it was because he's such a huge sports fan. Considering I've been ice skating exactly once, I would never win an ice hockey challenge for a date with Bret Michaels.

However, this all made me wonder: if I had a dating show where men were competing for a date with yours truly, what would the challenges be?

Heh heh heh.

The flea market challenge. Men will be judged on their potential as my junking bitch. Contestants will haggle for antiques, pack the treasures into a wagon, cart that wagon across a muddy fairground and then pack all the goods into a too-small vehicle. Dudes who complain or forget sunscreen will be immediately disqualified.

The carrying on a decent conversation challenge. This one is tricky - the contestants won't know they're participating in a challenge until it's complete. Each man will have a brief getting-to-know-you conversation with me, during which they receive points for taking an interest in me and keeping the conversation going. Contestants who are asked a question like, "What sort of music do you like?" and answer without in turn asking me a corresponding question are disqualified.

The IKEA challenge. Contestants will assemble particleboard furniture with an L wrench and instructions that are in Swedish. Participants will be judged on time and profanity. Extra credit will be given to men whose furniture actually stays together.

The PMS challenge. I'm starving and cranky (just pretend - I know it's a stretch). Contestants will prepare an expeditious, home-cooked meal for me while also soothing my hormonally charged nerves and telling me how pretty I am. The first dude to hand me a glass of wine while simultaneously rubbing my back is an automatic finalist.

What other worthy challenges am I overlooking?


LaDue & Crew said...

You're good..!

Spy-cam on the toilet seat: up/down

I know someone whose hubby ALWAYS folds the end of the TP into a neat hotel like triangle. Amazing...

nestra said...

Being nice to my pets even when I am not around!

Gretchen Hembree said...

One question....In the IKEA challenge is the profanity a pro or a con? Personally the more you use the better the piece of furniture it turns out to be! :)

Another challenge could be, when riding in a car with you, how many times do I have to grab the "Oh, Shit" bar? If it is under five you have a winner. (Ryan failed this test in his younger years, but as he has aged, so have the number of "Oh, Shit" bar uses. I think it is down to about once a month now. :)

you gotta wonder said...

The key to remember is that you can't change the person you fall in love with, so you'll have to take the bad with the good. Are there weighting factors for your criteria or are all things measured equally?

Anonymous said...

How about the Foot Rub Challenge? My ex-husband refused because he thought lotion felt "creepy". It was particularly distressing during my pregnancy when I couldn't even SEE my feet.

Anonymous said...

Well, for me two challenges would include the a) deal with with my kids on a bad day challenge--conform them to my will without bodily harm and b) impress me with your ability to plan a date from start to finish--including booking the sitter.
Cute post.

Heidi said...

Good list. My non-negotiable would have to be having a decent conversation. Somebody that could hold his own. (lucky for me I found it) And definitely putting furniture together...a must.

jean said...

Hey, any guy who can win the PMS challenge is a winner.

hope505 said...

"...Men will be judged on their potential as my junking bitch..."

*hahahaHAA!!* I am adopting this criteria.

Tumble Fish Studio said...

Well, there are so many one would have to be good at to compare to my well trained man. I could give you lots of criteria. I pitty the man I should ever cast my spell on should my hubby ever leave me either by choice or by death (like from me wearing him out). Some I can't mention in public though. The being willing to go run any errand for me is high on the list. Yes, not only will he buy feminine products for me, he will actually put himself in the position of being seen and heard in the aisle on the phone with me asking if I want the ultra or super. No sneaky quick assault to nonchalantly grab and run with the first box he comes to. Now, that's a man for you! He may have learned the hard way when I made him return the ones he bought once for the correct ones he didn't. I just realized how mean to him I can be.