Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Lovin' you is easy cuz you're beautiful.

My dad has this buddy named Jack. Jack has never been married and is a confirmed bachelor. Basically, Jack has been alone too long to ever be anybody's partner. He's too set in his ways. And I'm not even kidding - he and my dad took a road trip once and Jack cleaned his side of the windshield, but not my dad's.

He's not malicious, he's just completely unaccustomed to considering other people or making concessions around what other folks might want.

I live in fear of getting All Jacked Up. Right now, I'm taking a lot of joy from doing what I want, when I want, mostly because I was so focused on what other people wanted for a good while. But I'm scared that at some point, I'll pass the point of no return and completely lose the ability to play well with others.

Maybe this is why I have a tendency to be a little too forgiving in the early stages of dating. I look at weird actions and habits and think, "Well, maybe that's normal. Maybe he's nervous. Maybe I'm PMSing." Maybe, maybe, maybe.

So, this means that I have had mental wars with myself over weird dates, the rational part of my brain knowing a red flag when she sees it and the I-don't-want-to-be-Jack part of my brain thinking, "Well, maybe ..."

This means that I have dated men who sucked phlegm down their throats in the midst of talking, assumed that I didn't want dessert and, as I mentioned earlier, peeled callouses off their hands and ate them.

Now, with the callouses. We were sitting on my couch, watching TV. He was already on thin ice because he'd turned off the light without asking, saying he preferred the dark. I was so ready with my self-defense moves. But, instead, we just sat watching Working Girl. It was sort of our second date.

So, we were watching the movie, and I realized that he was doing something with his hands in his lap. At first, I was afraid he was getting ready to put the moves on me, if you know what I mean. But then, I noticed that he was pulling with one hand, and then bringing that hand to his mouth. He was pulling skin off his hand ... and then putting that skin in his mouth.

I was flabbergasted.

And then, I realized that I had glaucoma. Because no human being outside of that one remote aboriginal tribe would pull callouses off his or her hands and then eat the skin. Especially not in the presence of a member of the opposite sex that they were trying to woo. No, clearly, my eyesight was at serious fault.

I started planning my glaucoma treatment plan. Obviously, I'd need to eat a lot of carrots, and learn to smoke pot. Because my glaucoma was really, really bad, because it looked like he ate more callouses.

Now, the next day, I sent my girlfriends this very long, detailed "WTF?" e-mail, explaining the entire episode.

And they didn't respond.

I started to think that it was just me. Maybe my standards were just too high. Maybe I was being a prissy little Episcopalian and should just shut up and realize that the entire world was not a Laura Ashley store.

The Callous Eater asked me out again. I said yes. Because I was young and spineless and figured at the very least, I'd get a really good story out of it.

And then, I happened to ask my girlfriends about The Callous Eater and they were all, "WTF? We didn't get any e-mail! He did what? What?"

And I was vindicated and realized that I didn't have glaucoma and that I should darn well trust my own judgment moving forward.

And then I went on one last date with The Callous Eater and he introduced me to a hooker.

But that's a story for another time.


LaDue & Crew said...

How can you leave me hanging like this!?!?! I need the whole novel, not just another chapter!! Damn. He's toast I say, toast...

You are amazingly funny and adorable- you may have writing material for a spell, but "he" will come along when you aren't even looking...

Christy said...

And what about the "NO DESSERT FOR YOU" guy? Have you seen him again? Am I out of the loop? I thought he was the most recent one?

And yes, you are amazing and he may well appear when you least expect it. OR it make take some doing on your part. I met my husband on an online dating site!

Cyndi B. said...

Hooker??? There's a WTF moment if I ever heard one!

Anonymous said...

Oh man! You tell such a funny story--Laura Ashley life--trust me, you are NOT going to become All Jacked Up. You're too self-aware for that! Trust me! I haven't met you, but they way you write makes me totally believe it.

Iron Needles said...

The best lesson I have learned is that my instincts are good. The second best lesson I have learned is to follow those freakin' instincts. Just follow them, for pete sakes.

P.S. Great story.

itsjustme said...

I think I am already Jack. I am very quick to say no, I'm fine thank you very much.

I know it is crude, but I have friends and I have batteries. Why do we need a man if in the beginning they are already a little . . . disturbing? It only gets worse!!!

They should dazzle you in the beginning and then you put up with weird crap because of the dazzlement. Don't start out putting up with weird crap . . . you have no where to go but down.

Sure, you should clean both sides of the windshield, but we Episcopalian girls need to stick together and say HOLD OUT FOR A REALLY GOOD ONE!!

Anonymous said...

I think you might just win the prize for "Weirdest Date Ever". I don't even know what I'd do if I was with someone who began to eat their callouses. What was wrong with him? Did he have Pica??

Yo said...

i went on a lunch date with a guy who talked about his ex, brought out wallet pictures of his ex, and said vagina three times in a row. i giggled to myself for a w hile, thinking how my friends were going to react. but the vagina thing three times in a row was the last straw. i walked out.

hope505 said...

I love hearing about other peoples' dates! *heehee!* I'm siding with DallasDiva on this one...any new fella I see will have to treat me at least as good as I treat myself, and hopefully sometimes WAY better. I don't mind waiting. and in the meantime there's B.O.B. ( = battery operated boyfriend *haha!* ), who doesn't make me pick up his stinky socks all over the house.

Don't hate Uncle Jack. Give Auntie Mame some love.
* ; )

Average Jane said...

I certainly hope "another time" is soon. That sounds like a story I need to hear immediately!

Saucy said...

Hmmm.... the third Minnie Ripperton reference I've encountered in as many days. What do you make of that?

La la la la la! La la la la la... la la la la la la la lah lah laaah! Doo'dn do do doo dooh! Ahhh ahhh oooh.